Some stuff I saw this week but I can't tell anyone because they would not believe me anyway

This morning it is cold and raining in Northeast Florida. In fact, it has been cold and raining for the last few days. But I can take the cold. A little chill in the air is okay with me. And I even like the rain. When it rains, I like to sit inside with a good book and some good music and just soak up the whole vibe. However, I cannot take them both together. Plus, it happened so quickly. One day the sun is out and its warm, and the next day you are soak and wet and shivering.

And on top of it all, I have a serious case of writer’s block. So, I am sitting here miserable on a cold, rainy Saturday morning trying desperately to will my way out of this funk I find myself in.

But anyway, did you ever see something that seemed so utterly crazy that you did not tell anyone because you knew they would not believe you anyway? Well, I seem to run across this kind of stuff all the time. In the past, I would tell others, but no one would believe me. They say I have an overactive, childlike imagination, and am prone to telling wild fantastical stories, so I just started keeping it to myself.

This week was not different. I saw a few things out of the ordinary that I would like to share with you.

A hyena on the side of the road

I know what you are saying. There cannot be any hyenas in Northeast Florida; hyenas are native only to Africa and some parts of Asia. But I did see a hyena. I was driving along and out of the corner of my eye I saw a hyena there on the side of the road watching the traffic pass.

Of course I said to myself, “Self, that cannot be a hyena. Hyenas are native only to Africa and some parts of Asia. Perhaps you are suffering from sleep deprivation.”

So, I circled back around to get a second look. And the hyena was still there. I wanted to stop and get a picture, but the flow of traffic would not allow me to do so. And when I circled back around a third time it was gone. But I tell you, I did see a hyena.

A bald man with dreads

Male pattern baldness runs in my family, so I began to lose my hair at an early age. In fact, when I was a senior in college I finally made the decision to go ahead and begin shaving my head. But that’s only after a run in with my barber who I accused of continually edging my hairline too far back. We probably could have settled the whole thing amicably if he had not said, “There is no way I could edge your hair that far back. Face it brother; you are going bald.” He could have been more sensitive.

But anyway, I had a meeting and an interview with a gentleman this week about African Americans and mental health. And when I met this brother, the top of his head was as smooth as a baby’s behind. But on the side and in the back, he had these long luxurious dreads hanging down.

The whole spectacle was distracting to say the least, but as we were talking, he was thoughtfully twirling one of the dreads with his finger when it just snapped off in his hand. So the two of us just paused for a second, gazing at this renegade dreadlock.

At that moment, I wanted to put my pen, pad, and recorder down and stage an intervention. Just let it go, brother man. Just let it go and join me in that esteemed fraternity of bald gentleman.

Jiffy Feet

Have you ever heard of Jiffy feet? It is a cultural phenomenon here in Northeast Florida/South Georgia named after a now defunct convenience store chain, Jiffy Mart, in which the possessor of Jiffy Feet walks around barefoot so much that his or her feet become absolutely black up to the ankle.

Well, the other day I was driving when I had to stop to take an important phone call, and so I pulled off the road in front of a convenience store. As I conducted my business, I glanced out of the corner of my eye at a young woman walking toward the store entrance, and in the back of my mind, I noted the interestingly unique suede shell toe high top Adidas she was wearing.

But when she came out of the store, I noted with some horror that she was not wearing suede shell toe high top Adidas but was barefoot, and what I had mistaken for a shell toe was actually her big toe nail. I looked around for the “No shoes, no shirt, no service” sign, but there was none.

Shorts with distracting stuff on the back

I don’t know about where you live, but in here in Florida, a lot of women walk around in very short shorts with writing on them. The writing ranges from cute little sayings like “QT Pie,” or warnings like “Do Not Touch,” or even one I saw recently that read, “Whatcha Lookin’ At?”.

Now, this whole thing is very distracting because you are almost beholden to look at their behinds even if you are not planning to do so or even want to do so because of the writing.

Well, this past week I accompanied my wife to the mall to pick out a birthday gift for my daughter, who turned fourteen by the way, and I happened to glimpse a woman with a behind of absolutely massive proportions wearing a pair of these short shorts. I mean, this was one big behind. And on top of that, on the back of the short shorts was an open book with the pages all outlined in this sparkly stuff so that each time she took a step, it looked like the pages were actually turning.

Since I am a bibliophile and an avid reader, it caught my attention, and for a brief second, I was mesmerized by the whole scene. But just then my wife broke me out of my trance: “I know you are not standing here right beside me gawking at that lady’s behind!”.

So, I took a step back and said, “Just let me finish this last page, and I will be done.” She didn’t seem to see the humor in my statement, though. Some people are just too serious.

Did you see anything absolutely out of the ordinary this week that no one would possibly believe?