Saturday, December 5, 2009

Some stuff I saw this week but I can't tell anyone because they would not believe me anyway

This morning it is cold and raining in Northeast Florida. In fact, it has been cold and raining for the last few days. But I can take the cold. A little chill in the air is okay with me. And I even like the rain. When it rains, I like to sit inside with a good book and some good music and just soak up the whole vibe. However, I cannot take them both together. Plus, it happened so quickly. One day the sun is out and its warm, and the next day you are soak and wet and shivering.

And on top of it all, I have a serious case of writer’s block. So, I am sitting here miserable on a cold, rainy Saturday morning trying desperately to will my way out of this funk I find myself in.

But anyway, did you ever see something that seemed so utterly crazy that you did not tell anyone because you knew they would not believe you anyway? Well, I seem to run across this kind of stuff all the time. In the past, I would tell others, but no one would believe me. They say I have an overactive, childlike imagination, and am prone to telling wild fantastical stories, so I just started keeping it to myself.

This week was not different. I saw a few things out of the ordinary that I would like to share with you.

A hyena on the side of the road

I know what you are saying. There cannot be any hyenas in Northeast Florida; hyenas are native only to Africa and some parts of Asia. But I did see a hyena. I was driving along and out of the corner of my eye I saw a hyena there on the side of the road watching the traffic pass.

Of course I said to myself, “Self, that cannot be a hyena. Hyenas are native only to Africa and some parts of Asia. Perhaps you are suffering from sleep deprivation.”

So, I circled back around to get a second look. And the hyena was still there. I wanted to stop and get a picture, but the flow of traffic would not allow me to do so. And when I circled back around a third time it was gone. But I tell you, I did see a hyena.

A bald man with dreads

Male pattern baldness runs in my family, so I began to lose my hair at an early age. In fact, when I was a senior in college I finally made the decision to go ahead and begin shaving my head. But that’s only after a run in with my barber who I accused of continually edging my hairline too far back. We probably could have settled the whole thing amicably if he had not said, “There is no way I could edge your hair that far back. Face it brother; you are going bald.” He could have been more sensitive.

But anyway, I had a meeting and an interview with a gentleman this week about African Americans and mental health. And when I met this brother, the top of his head was as smooth as a baby’s behind. But on the side and in the back, he had these long luxurious dreads hanging down.

The whole spectacle was distracting to say the least, but as we were talking, he was thoughtfully twirling one of the dreads with his finger when it just snapped off in his hand. So the two of us just paused for a second, gazing at this renegade dreadlock.

At that moment, I wanted to put my pen, pad, and recorder down and stage an intervention. Just let it go, brother man. Just let it go and join me in that esteemed fraternity of bald gentleman.

Jiffy Feet

Have you ever heard of Jiffy feet? It is a cultural phenomenon here in Northeast Florida/South Georgia named after a now defunct convenience store chain, Jiffy Mart, in which the possessor of Jiffy Feet walks around barefoot so much that his or her feet become absolutely black up to the ankle.

Well, the other day I was driving when I had to stop to take an important phone call, and so I pulled off the road in front of a convenience store. As I conducted my business, I glanced out of the corner of my eye at a young woman walking toward the store entrance, and in the back of my mind, I noted the interestingly unique suede shell toe high top Adidas she was wearing.

But when she came out of the store, I noted with some horror that she was not wearing suede shell toe high top Adidas but was barefoot, and what I had mistaken for a shell toe was actually her big toe nail. I looked around for the “No shoes, no shirt, no service” sign, but there was none.

Shorts with distracting stuff on the back

I don’t know about where you live, but in here in Florida, a lot of women walk around in very short shorts with writing on them. The writing ranges from cute little sayings like “QT Pie,” or warnings like “Do Not Touch,” or even one I saw recently that read, “Whatcha Lookin’ At?”.

Now, this whole thing is very distracting because you are almost beholden to look at their behinds even if you are not planning to do so or even want to do so because of the writing.

Well, this past week I accompanied my wife to the mall to pick out a birthday gift for my daughter, who turned fourteen by the way, and I happened to glimpse a woman with a behind of absolutely massive proportions wearing a pair of these short shorts. I mean, this was one big behind. And on top of that, on the back of the short shorts was an open book with the pages all outlined in this sparkly stuff so that each time she took a step, it looked like the pages were actually turning.

Since I am a bibliophile and an avid reader, it caught my attention, and for a brief second, I was mesmerized by the whole scene. But just then my wife broke me out of my trance: “I know you are not standing here right beside me gawking at that lady’s behind!”.

So, I took a step back and said, “Just let me finish this last page, and I will be done.” She didn’t seem to see the humor in my statement, though. Some people are just too serious.

Did you see anything absolutely out of the ordinary this week that no one would possibly believe?


udee said...

"The whole spectacle was distracting to say the least, but as we were talking, he was thoughtfully twirling one of the dreads with his finger when it just snapped off in his hand. So the two of us just paused for a second, gazing at this renegade dreadlock."
How did even manage to keep your composure??? I would have been laughing for DAYSSSSS
poor soul!

Anna Renee said...

Soulbrother, what words of wisdom was on that last page? You know I don't believe you, right? :-D

The Skeptik One said...

Great Post, my friend.

It put me in mind of a situation many years ago when my father claimed to have seen a monkey laying dead alongside the road on I-71. He and my mom were returning from a weekend fishing trip in Sandusky Ohio. I was housesitting at the time.

When my dad mentioned the dead monkey, he and my mom got into it in the car because mom didn't believe him. They apparently argued all the way home. But they were quiet when they came inside the house.

Then I had to open my mouth and tell them something that re ignited the fight.

You see, I worked for the company that built Kings Island Amusement Park in Ohio which is on I-71 near where dad claimed to have seen the monkey carcus, and during the weekend that my parents were away the Park's pack of Baboons made a jail break..jumped the fences around Animal Country Safari and got out of the park..It was news the whole weekend as police tried to round up the Baboons...Well the official line to the public was that they recaptured all the Baboons. However, I knew differently since I was an insider.
They actually lost four Baboons in the escape.

When I got to this point in my story, my dad erupted "SEE! I tole you I saw a dead monkey on the road!" At which point my mom's response was "oh Shut and leave me alone" Then they went on to other stuff. I shook my head and got into my car and drove home...they were still arguing when I pulled out the driveway..

Shortly after the Baboon jail break, Kings Island closed its Animal country, not only because of the Baboons, but because a stupid
gameskeeper climbed out of his caged for patrol golf cart to take a leak..the only problem was that one of the lions was sleeping nearby..Needless to say she had a great lunch of manwich burgers that day..My genius bosses decided from that point the only animals allowed in the park were the ones who could pay to get in...dumb gamekeepers who can't hold their water and crazy Baboons not allowed..

30 years later and my parents still argue about the dead monkey.. said...
This comment has been removed by the author. said...

Hi Max,

A hyena?? Really?? Quit playin' could not have been a hyena! Okay could it be an unusual breed of dog (eventhough hyenas are in the cat family)? A chihuahua maltese mix often resembles a hyena.

It could be an aardwolf.

But maybe it was a hyena. It's not illegal to bring pets into this country from foreign countries but when some hyenas are really tiny, they can look just like puppies and so they will pass through inspection at the airport.

When I was a little kid, my family was vacationing in Kenya and I asked my dad if we could get a little lion cub and bring it back home. He said that they would not allow it in the airport. I said, "Daddy, we could find one that looks like a kitty". He nixed that idea.

Now the situation with the lady with the behind the size of a back porch in Mississippi, I don't know why sistas even come out of the house fetishizing themselves... I really don't.... I don't think they should be ashamed of their bodies but short shorts? Really?

Max Reddick said...


Here is something else that you probably will not believe. He then pulled an envelope from his desk drawer and carefully puts the lock in the envelop. I wanted to ask him just exactly he was going to do with it.

@Anna Renee

See. That's why I didn't want to say anything. I knew that no one would believe me!

@The Skeptik One @ BWBT

I'm glad someone believes me. That had to be a hyena. I cannot think of anything else it could have been. And it was laughing!

Keith said...

I've never seen a hyena at all. Wow.

I know what you mean about those shorts. I see girls all the time with them on. My eyes are usually drawn to them whether the girls are sexy or not because I'm curious to see what they say.

md20737 said...

OMG the dread lock was tooo funny, but I was very much entertained by your let me finish the page joke as well. You are too funny and a good imagination is healthy. Thanks for making me literaly Laugh out Loud.

The Smoking Ace said...

The bald headed dreadlocked guy was funny. I can believe the Hyena thing. I saw three women rocking the jheri curl like it was in style Friday. I should have had a camcorder because people would not believe me.

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

Oh, Max, thanks for the laughs. They were out loud.

FreeMan said...

Out here on the West I get to see alot of people who are pretty famous. I saw George (Seinfeld) walking into Victoria secret with a young girl. I saw Brenda (90210) with her parents and she looked like a dried up drug addict. I saw Bald White Guy(HGTV) sorry don't know his name but he's pretty famous while at the beach and he was gay speed walking for no damn reason. I saw Scott Bakula (Quantum Leap) with what looks like his gay partner enjoying a gross moment.

Now you may wonder how do I see all of this stuff. Well I go and workout at the beach everyday while most people are at work. So if you were there everyday you would see a whole bunch of so called stars in their naturally weird environment.

Normal people stuff... I once saw a blind man at the laundromat folding a whole dryer worth of thongs. I know blind and folding don't go together but a whole dryer full of thongs don't make sense either.

I've seen a drunk transvestite who has no chance in hell to be mistaken for a woman throw up on the subway and slip and fall in it.

Ok I've said enough but the booty shorts with the 3d page turning graphic is interesting.

River Glorious said...

Hee hee! For someone who has writer's block...


Marbles said...

Last week I saw this old man taking a leak outside a CVS. I know--there's nothing all that unusual about that. Except....this guy WASN'T facing the wall. Nope! He was facing out, standing there like it was nothing at all, releasing several pounds of water weight onto the sidewalk.
Needless to say, I did a double take. (Wish I hadn't, because that means I looked twice.)

Now, if it's 9pm (which it was), and the stores are all closed, you're a long way from home, and your internal alarm is screaming "EJECT! EJECT!", then I guess I can sympathize. But...not facing the wall? Yeah....the old man pretty much lost me there. XD

Besides, when it's freaking 20 degrees out, who on earth would expose any part of themselves to the elements that they didn't have to, let alone THAT part? If that ain't desperation, nothing is.

(And before you ask---unless Obama created some "Cars for Bums" program without telling anyone, no, he definitely was not homeless. For after he was done, he strolled over to his car and drove off. Leaving me scratching my head and trying to erase the last 45 seconds from my memory.)

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