Friday, May 14, 2010

[Guest Post] Max, I am a white woman who dates Black men, but I absolutely abhor other white women who do the same. What do you think about that?

One thing I really enjoying about blogging is that you come in contact with a wide range of people you might never have come into contact with otherwise.  JuJuBe, a brand new voice in the brown blogosphere, is one of those persons.  Please do check out her site and give her encouragement.

Anyway, we had a discussion around a post I did almost a year ago entitled “Black Mothers, Black Sons, and Little White Girls.”  I found her take on the issue interesting, so I had her write it up. 

I really dislike seeing white women with Black men. Although I do not have children yet, I have always said I would be extremely upset if I had a son, and he brought home a white woman. The thing is, I AM a white woman. AND, I date Black men. So, why do I have an issue with OTHER white women dating Black men?

First of all, I find that most of the white women who DO date Black men do it for all the wrong reasons. Either they look at dating a Black man as some sort of  exciting new  adventure, OR they believe certain myths about Black male sexuality, OR they are trying to rebel against their parents, OR they want a "bad boy" and to them all Black men are "bad". It is not too often that I see white women with a Black man simply because she loves him.

The second issue I have with BM/WF couples is that MOST of the time, the white female wants NOTHING to do with Black females, and in fact disrespects Black females every chance she gets. She insists that if a Black female disagrees with something she says or does it is because all Black females are jealous of her. 

I have heard it time and time again: a white woman saying they she is not racist because she dates a Black men, and in the next breath go on to enumerate the reasons why she is better than a Black woman.

I also cringe when I hear that white women get offended when someone says her child is Black, protesting that her child is, in fact, biracial. It seems to me that they think that being biracial is somehow better than being Black.  And, they often insist on raising their children in their own little lily white world, surrounded only by their WHITE family, living in neighborhoods where their child is the only person of color, having their child attend schools with only white children.

Another issue I have with IR dating is with Black men who ONLY date white women. They give all sorts of reasons for why they prefer white women, and it usually has nothing to do with love, or even with attraction. To them, dating a white woman is "easier" than dating a Black woman. They have the impression that they can do whatever they want and not have to answer for it if they choose to be with only white women. For this reason, I will not date a man who ONLY dates white women.

A Black man who disrespects all Black women and embraces a white woman is disrespecting women as a whole because he is dating a woman based on a stereotyped assumption of behavior. Plus, these men often allow white women to disrespect Black woman, including his mothers, sisters, aunts, and grandmothers. This is deplorable.

Personally, I see so much racism in the white community, including from people who are in interracial relationships, that when I have a child, I would not want my child to date a white man or woman. But of course, I cannot say I would feel that way if the situation actually presented itself. Maybe if I got to know the individual, they may show me something that makes me change my mind about them. 

I know, from my experience, friends and family members of men I date are often reluctant to accept me, for good reason. If 95% of white people ARE racists, which I believe to be true, then it is only natural for the friends and families of my boyfriends to be wary of me until I prove myself to them.

And, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I am perfect by any means. I grew up in my little insular white world believing the same stereotypes that are forced down our throats by the media, the educational system, friends and neighbors. Even though my parents were not blatantly racist, this society teaches white children that they are somehow better than other races. Even when it is not put in terms of race, the implication is there. It is there in the television shows we watch, the books we read, the things we are taught in school.

Personally, when I reached college, I realized there was a whole world out there that I knew nothing about, and I was determined to counter my own ignorance with the truth. Most white women do not feel the need to do that. The think that by having a few Black friends, or dating a Black man, they are “proving” they are not racist. Yet they still hold all of these prejudices near and dear to their hearts.

Until a woman is willing to reject and counter the racism in herself, she really should not be dating or marrying Black men, and she certainly should not be raising a Black child!

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