Okay, I’m still doing the whole raw fruits and vegetables and whole grains thing I mentioned last week. I did have to make a few adjustments, though, to keep my system from continuing to go haywire. And, I must admit, I did have a few weak moments in which I ate something I shouldn’t have, or I freaked out about not being able to enjoy some of those foods I most enjoy.
For instance, one day this past week I went into the deep freezer to check on my emergency pork chop stash… Wait a minute. You don’t have an emergency pork chop stash? I do. Or at least, I did. I kept mine way in the back right underneath the Eggo frozen waffles just in case some natural or man-made disaster threatens the world’s pork chop supply, or in the case of nuclear winter, I figure I will have the last pork chop known to man, and then I will be made king.
But anyway, my wife had given my emergency pork chop stash away, and for a minute or so, I had a major anxiety attack, but I took a few deep breaths and said a few “WOO-SAHs”, and I managed to get over it. But then I developed a strange obsession with gravy. That’s right, gravy.
For the rest of the week, all I could think about was gravy. I even had this dream in which I was having a conversation with Oprah, and we were sipping gravy from these delicate little tea cups. But in a week in which gravy was the foremost thing on my mind, I thought of some unique uses for gravy which I will share with you.
You can use gravy to stick stuff together When I reveal this one, you are going to be made that you hadn’t thought of this already. But when I was in first grade, we did this project with my first grade teacher, Mrs. Lane, in which we made our own paste, and then we made these paper mache animal figures.
And what did we make this paste out of? Water, flour, and a little corn starch. And what are the ingredients for good gravy? Exactly! Now you and I are there. We are seeing eye to eye.
So, you could just whip up a big batch of gravy and start sticking stuff together. You can even use your gravy/paste to wall paper a couple of those rooms you’ve been wanting to wall paper.
Sisters, you can use gravy to seduce your significant other Listen, sisters, because I am getting ready to drop that knowledge on you. This is what you do. Whip up a good batch of gravy. Then take a little bit and smear it on those pressure points just like you would perfume. You know those pressure points—the inside of your knees, the inside of elbows, the inside of your wrists, and behind your ears—that heat up as your body temperature rises and intensifies the smell of the fragrance.
When your significant other comes home or comes over, just give him one of those tight soul hugs and let him get whiff of that gravy. Now, once the smell of that gravy hits his olfactory glands, even if he is the most dedicated vegetarian, his primal instincts will keep in, so just hold on, baby. He’ll turn into some ravenous lovemaking beast.
The whole thing seemed a little far-fetched to me, but couldn’t you achieve the same thing with gravy? All you would need to do would be to fill your tub with nice, warm gravy, and climb right in. And this is the biggest selling point. You could put a plate of biscuits right there on the side of the tub, and as you are relaxing, as those impurities are fleeing your body, you could swish a few of those biscuits around in the gravy and have yourself a nice snack. Mmmm.
You can use the gravy to entertain your children I remember when I was a child, we had this thing called a Slip-N-Slide. With the Slip-N-Slide, you would attach a water house to this long sheet of plastic, and when you turned the water on, the water would come through these little holes strategically placed in the plastic making it very slick.
Then we would get a good running start and slide the length of the plastic. It made for hours and hours of fun, but most importantly, it kept us out of my mother’s hair for a while.
But in this day and age, water has become a scarce resource. We just can’t waste water like that anymore. But wouldn’t gravy serve the same purpose? If you spread a long plastic tarp with gravy, wouldn’t gravy be sufficiently slick? In this way, you can do your part in preserving one of our most precious and necessary resources while keeping your children entertained for hours. It’s a win-win for everybody involved.
You can use gravy to entertain yourself I must admit that I was kind of disappointed that this last idea was taken, but it is a good idea nonetheless. Who knew that people were actively “Gravy Wrestling”? But evidently this activity is limited to the United States. Perhaps other nations are just too stuck up to engage in such activities, or they have enough sense not to waste time or resources.
Anyway, you and your significant other can fill a plastic kiddie pool with gravy, and either naked or in bathing suits, engage in a little physical activity—gravy wrestling. And when you get all tired and hungry, you can go get those biscuits left over from the whole bathtub episode to wipe each other down.
And for you more adventurous, outgoing types, you can even host a gravy wrestling party. If you are single, you can invite a bunch of your single female friends and some of your single male friends over for a gravy wrestling party. You could put everybody’s name in a hat and whoever name a person draws is who they wrestle. In that way, you are providing the entertainment and putting people together all at the same time.
We here at the Max Reddick Institute for Gravy Research are always looking for good ideas as to how we might use gravy in service to mankind. Do you have any ideas?
