Day by day I am getting older and older. Who knows? By now I might even be old and just not know it. The signs are everywhere. The other day someone referred to me as “a middle-aged gentleman.”
And my doctor insisted that I get my prostate checked because every man “my age” should do so. In a cruel twist of fate, I did get the little short doctor as opposed to the doctor who played basketball in college when I went in to get my check-up, but this diminutive man had deceptively huge hands.
Also I got a colonoscopy because of my family medical history. The next day the doctor emailed me pictures of the inner walls of my colon. I would have been okay with him just telling me that everything was okay. What the hell do I do with pictures of my colon walls? Post them to Facebook?
Anyway, one good thing about growing older is the wisdom you manage to amass over the ages. I’m perhaps still a big fool, but I’m not as big a fool as I used to be. Let me share some random but nonetheless important lessons I have learned over the years.
Do you remember that young lady or that young man you had such a crush on in high school? When you see them at your twenty-fifth class reunion, you will be glad that she or he wouldn’t give you the time of day. Almost the whole of my high school tenure, I had this crazy crush on a certain young lady. However, throughout high school she wouldn’t give me the time of day. I don’t want to embarrass anyone by using real names, so we’ll just call her Bootzilla. I just wasn’t cool enough for her. Anyway, a few weeks before my twenty-fifth high school reunion, my mother informed me that she had stopped by the house, left her number, and requested that I give her a call.
So, I called, and we had a pleasant conversation. But after that initial conversation, she insisted on calling me almost every day. I sensed that something was wrong because she was way more excited about seeing me than I was about seeing her. Now, I don’t talk about people. I don’t believe in calling anyone ugly because there is beauty in every human being. But in the same instance, I talked to her for about a hour straight at the reunion, and I am still trying to figure out just where her beauty was. Maybe I missed something.
Men, trimming your toenails are an important part of good grooming. I had an aunt who would always fuss at my uncle about clipping his toenails. According to my aunt, my uncle’s toenails were so long and sharp that they would tear her good sheets at night. It was all fun and games then, and I had a few laughs at my uncle’s expense until I had my own long and sharp toenail episode.
When I was in graduate school, my directing professor called me in for a informal meeting. Since I didn’t have any classes that day, I just threw on some shorts and some flip-flops and went on in. Well, while she was talking, she glanced down in the direction of my feet, and her face suddenly twisted into the look of abject terror. Curiously, I looked down to see what had scared her, and I too recoiled. My feet looked like huge eagle feet. They were all crusty and ashy looking as if I had skateboarded barefoot to campus, and my toenails looked like short but sturdy knives.
Since that time, I have gotten a regular pedicure whether I needed it or not.
If you see someone with a grimace on their face coming out of the bathroom holding their stomach, don’t go in! Recently during a doctor’s appointment, the nurse sent me into the doctor’s office unisex bathroom to give a urine sample. However, just as I was going in, this tiny little lady with this huge frown on her face came out holding her stomach. Well, not suspecting anything, I went in anyway.
No sooner than the door shut behind me, I knew I had made a tremendous mistake. The stench was so very overwhelming that I know with some sense of certainty that that little lady couldn’t have done all this by herself; there had to have been four or five huge, burly, hairy back men in there with her helping her out. So, with one hand I am searching for the doorknob and with the other hand I am looking for the light switch in case those four or five lumberjacks are still in there. However, I am having no luck at all, but just as I am about to give up and let the funk take me, the nurse heard me scratching at the door and let me out.
If your wife tries to talk you into joining her on a raw fruit and vegetable and whole grains diet, do not do it; no good can come from it. My wife suggested that we go on some raw fruit and vegetable and whole grains diet that this fruitcake at work told her about. According to my wife, the diet would clean the toxins out of our systems. Of course, I wasn’t with it, but she kept bugging me and bugging me until I finally gave in.
About two days into this whole thing, and my digestive system is like the bullet train; whatever goes in one end reaches the other in record time. Several times I was tempted to cheat, but since I had promised by wife I’d stick with it for at least a week, I stayed the course. However, on the fourth day I’m sitting in my office choking down this spinach salad with raisins and purple onions covered with this all natural peanut butter dressing when I feel myself getting light-headed and I pass out. Ironically and for some strange reason, though, when I finally came to, I was in Kentucky Fried Chicken, and since I was already there, I decided to buy me that three piece meal deal.
Well, I get back to my office, and I am eating this thing like it is my last meal. But as soon as all that greasy fried chicken and fixins’ hit my stomach, my stomach twists into some kind of complicated Boy Scout knot, and I run to the bathroom with an alacrity that I didn’t even know I still had. And minutes later as I am emerging from the bathroom holding my stomach and my face all twisted into a frown, here comes the dean.
What knowledge have you gathered over the years that might be beneficial to others?