Thursday, April 8, 2010

A quick note from Uncle Remus on Confederate History Month

People are trapped in history, and history is trapped in them. --James Baldwin (via @beautynubian)

Hiya doing, boys and girls? Uncle Remus here. You know, just the other day, I was telling Aunt Jemimah and Uncle Ben that it was high time for me to make a comeback. Don’t get me wrong, though. Many negroes is coon-ing, but ain’t no negro alive able to coon like I can.

But when Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell issued his proclamation earlier today proclaiming April Confederate History Month, I slapped my knee, did a little buck-jump and yelled, “I’m back!” So, I got in touch with my agent, Pat Buchanan, faster than a negro running from work, and wouldn’t you know it, the offers started coming in. Some new station called Fox News fell all over themselves trying to book me.

But then here come the uppity negroes and they liberal friends trying to throw shade on my hustle. They talking about slavery being all caught up in the history of the Confederacy. Slavery? You mean negroes still complaining about slavery? Y’all negroes need to just move on.

Talking about subjugation and degradation and God given, inalienable rights and other big words you just know they liberal friends done put in they mouth. Negroes don’t even talk like that. It’s just too hard to get they big, greasy soup coolers and thick tongues to even pronounce words like that.

Don’t they realize just how romantic a period the ante-bellum south was? Didn’t they see Gone with the Wind? I’m telling you, some folk just ain’t grateful. Shiftless negroes.

And then they done gone to phi-lo-so-phi-sizing, talking about Governor McDonnell and his ilk trying to pull together an uninformed base by appealing to their basest instincts. Or trying to conjure up old worn out images and symbols to excite, or incite if you listening to Max Reddick, a bunch of folk living in the past, too frightened to move on.

But there has been one huge disappointment, though. BET co-founder Sheila Johnson chose to issue a statement condemning McDonnell’s Confederate History Month proclamation. She wrote something about “[I]ts insensitive disregard for Virginia’s complicated and painful history.” Can you imagine anyone connected with BET having the nerve to be all indignant? Talking about the pot calling the kettle black!

But don’t you worry about old Uncle Remus though. ‘Cause they is a handful of negroes over here at Fox—good people, salt of the earth—who told me folk, especially negroes, would respond like that. But they let me know that I was doing God’s work, so keep on grinnin’, get my check, and just move on.

But to show y’all I ain’t in the least bit bitter, Imma’ leave you with an oldie but goodie to remind you of the good old days.

And don’t just sit there like you ain’t feeling it. Just get on up, and join me. And if you feel like it, dance a jig. Be yo’self. Let that negro dialect out. It’s Confederate History Month, y’all! We all should be celebrating!


Anna Renee said...

Brother Max, this is just vicious! They trying REAL hard, but Uncle Remus gonna catch a cap if they don't quickly usher him back to wherever he was!!
Lawd a mussy! Some folks are REALLY having a HARD time with a black man being the leader of the known universe! Serious existential crises!

Arnold Jensen said...

Bill Cosby be rollin' in his grave. Ain't nothing 'bout the roundhouse here. All 'bouts clipping the clap and riding that cloud o' dreams boyo! Time's a riding for the fiddlers three!

Mother_Peal said...

Just when you wuz an ilgit babe, wuz tradin' in da food stamps for sum Aunt Jemima's pancake mix. S'ho makes dem best flap jacks! Gonna go all Fresh Prince a' Bell Air on yo spoiled crack-ass! Times fo me ta head ta church. Got a new hat ya know!

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