Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Max Reddick Commonsense Guide for Cheating Husbands

Man, it’s late, and I am tired, dog tired, but I need to bang out this post before morning. I should have gotten it done a long time ago, but I got caught up in some drama. Somebody else's drama.

You see, I’m sitting here minding my own business, working on my next post and watching Mark Sanford and his foolishness on cable news, when there is a knock on the door. It’s my trifling behind frat brother, and he’s crying like a baby. He sounds like the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz.

Coincidentally, again he’s been caught cheating. I’m listening to him and trying to be sympathetic, but it’s hard. This is an on-going thing. He cheats. He gets caught. He comes crying to me like I’m some kind of negro Dr. Phil. He hangs around me, worrying the absolute ish out of me until his wife takes him back, and then a few months later, the cycle starts anew.

This has got to be the last time. I’m sick of it, and my wife is starting to look at me like I’m tipping out too. At the very least, she thinks I’m condoning his behavior by allowing him to run over here every time he gets caught. And my children have begun referring to him as “Daddy’s friend who always gets caught cheating.”

And the ways these guys always get caught is stupid. They are simply not using commonsense. I am not a cheater, but I do have some measure of commonsense. So, in honor of Governor Sanford and my trifling frat brother, I’ve put together The Max Reddick Commonsense Guide for the Cheating Husband based on my frat brother’s experiences.

The Max Reddick Commonsense Guide for the Cheating Husband

1. Before you get home from your tryst, check the vehicle for any evidence.

Frat, I think you were set up on this one. How else would that woman’s panties end up in the glove compartment of your car? She wanted you to get caught. Besides that, if you clutter up your glove compartment with assorted women’s panties, where will you keep your gloves? But this one leads us to my next point…

2. Don’t use the family car to ride your tart around in.

First of all, why would you want to ride your h--, excuse me, that woman of questionable virtue around in the same car your wife and children use? That’s just foul. And there are some sanitary questions that arise, too.

I know your old-school Volvo station wagon ain’t sexy, but the family minivan is only a step up, even if it is brand new.

3. If you are doing wrong, and you know you are doing wrong, keep a low profile.

I know you’re still curious as to just who told on you when you took your woman on the side and her loud behind, bad behind kids to the county fair, so I’ll give you a clue. It’s the county fair! Anyone in this county and any other county within driving distance is a likely suspect.

4. Don’t leave a paper trail.

You may have been able to explain away the restaurant charges on the credit card statement, but there is no way you can explain the check to the utility company to keep your girl’s lights on. I’m beginning to think you want to get caught! And if you are such a baller that you can afford to pay other folks' bills, I got some you can take on.

5. Don’t leave a written record.

What's with you guys having to express yourself in writing? You're cheating! You don't want any evidence that can be used against you later.

Don’t send any incriminating notes of affection or long sappy love letters via e-mail, text, twitter, or carrier pigeon. Don’t you know that stuff is stored electronically somewhere, and invariably it will come back to bite you at the least convenient time? That goes for written correspondence as well.

6. If you are going to cheat, cheat up.

Your wife is absolutely beautiful. I can’t figure out why you would want to tip out on her anyway. But if I seemed just a little distracted when I saw you and your lady friend at The Landing, that’s because I was. With those braids, she looked like one of those creatures from the movie Predator. And in case she was one of those creatures, I was trying to remember what they did in the movie to defeat them in case it was left to me to save the world.

7. Just do the right thing.

Each time you get caught, not only are you risking losing your family. You are risking losing their respect as well. Your wife told my wife that the only reason she keeps allowing you to return anyway is the children. But how much longer will that hold true?

Not only that, the next time you come over here boo-hoo crying, it may be because she decided to turn the tables and tip out on you. Can your fragile little ego handle that?

And with that, I leave you with Johnny Taylor’s Whose Making Love to Your Old Lady(While You Are Out Making Love)?


jjbrock said...

Back in the day I caught my then husband cheating. I was 23 and he was 24 I slow walk that negro down and kept pushing it on in life.

Cheating for me is one of those bounder lines that you ain't going to cross and come back.

To me there's no reason nor excuse for it. Just tell me you no longer want to be married then we can move on in life. Great advice!

Kim said...

Cheaters are the worst. The amount of destruction they cause, and people don't take it serious because they think of it as "just a little sex"
Not only are you cheating, but along with that goes lies, deceit, manipulation, you risk your partners health and life. I wish men and women would take it seriously.
And I'm glad the governor's wife wasn't standing by his side smiling,although she did release the statement that she and the governor were going to stay
together and try to repair their marriage.

Issa Rae said...

Aw man -- It's stories like these that make me scared of getting married. I'm one of those people who's kind of 'whatever' on 'faithful' boundaries until I get married. Once, I'm married -- that's IT. No stepping out, no lingering, no male "friends." I just don't understand how people can take these vows and then stray? It's disheartening.

Max Reddick said...

I can't figure out why people get married and cheat either. It doesn't make sense. Perhaps, the greatest thing people lose when they cheat is respect. They lose the respect of their spouse. The respect of their kids. And if they are cheating, self-respect seems to be pretty much already out the window. But @Issa, don't be skeered! There are still some very good people in this world.

Sauce said...

It aint cheating until you get caught!

Just kidding but nowadays, it's so easy to do the wrong thing. Growing up, I used to think being a man was measured by how many women one has but as I grew older, I found that it's measured by how you treat that ONE that you have fostered a relationship with.


Orchid said...

lol oy...I have no experience with cheating men. Cheating women yes but not cheating men. I feel if these men want their cake and want to eat it too, they should get with a girl or guy who is into the idea of an open relationship. Get with someone who knows your eyes will wander and does not care because he or she is doing the same thing and yet somehow you still love each other. how about that? lol This is is probably crazy talk to some people, but i hate it when people commit themselves to a person and they know their word means crap, and that they are going to break the promise sooner or later. *sigh* Or get a friggin divorce and stop dragging your family through the mud. It's just selfish.

blackink said...

Fam, to be honest, these cats are just inviting needless drama into their lives.

I know life is long and things happen and mistakes are part of it all. But damn. Cheating just seems like such a waste of time and energy. And the payoff is so short, so fleeting, it's a wonder how people continually get caught up.

The best advice I could give is to invest in some good Internet porn, buy some quality lotion and handle up for those moments who you feel frisky and the wifey ain't around.

I'd much rather explain the questionable Web sites in the browser instead of a check to pay for my mistress' utiliy bill. Sheesh.

Max Reddick said...

@ Orchid

You came! I'm so glad to see you here. And you are right. It's selfish behavior. But I often think it's due to the cheaters own insecurities. It's obvious that they are searching for something, but what?


And you're right too. I'd much rather walk around with baby soft hands and Popeye forearms than have to explain that foolishness to my wife and children.

Anonymous said...

yea i feel you. i think you don't need to lay down rules cause your still sayings it's kinda okay. lol it's cool to see you speak this way on the subject though.

Max Reddick said...

I'm not saying it's okay, but pragmatically speaking, it's going to happen. I just think it's silly how these men keep getting caught. They do the silliest things, and then seem genuiunely suprised that their business is in the street.

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