Man, it’s late, and I am tired, dog tired, but I need to bang out this post before morning. I should have gotten it done a long time ago, but I got caught up in some drama. Somebody else's drama.
You see, I’m sitting here minding my own business, working on my next post and watching Mark Sanford and his foolishness on cable news, when there is a knock on the door. It’s my trifling behind frat brother, and he’s crying like a baby. He sounds like the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz.
Coincidentally, again he’s been caught cheating. I’m listening to him and trying to be sympathetic, but it’s hard. This is an on-going thing. He cheats. He gets caught. He comes crying to me like I’m some kind of negro Dr. Phil. He hangs around me, worrying the absolute ish out of me until his wife takes him back, and then a few months later, the cycle starts anew.
This has got to be the last time. I’m sick of it, and my wife is starting to look at me like I’m tipping out too. At the very least, she thinks I’m condoning his behavior by allowing him to run over here every time he gets caught. And my children have begun referring to him as “Daddy’s friend who always gets caught cheating.”
And the ways these guys always get caught is stupid. They are simply not using commonsense. I am not a cheater, but I do have some measure of commonsense. So, in honor of Governor Sanford and my trifling frat brother, I’ve put together The Max Reddick Commonsense Guide for the Cheating Husband based on my frat brother’s experiences.
The Max Reddick Commonsense Guide for the Cheating Husband
1. Before you get home from your tryst, check the vehicle for any evidence.
Frat, I think you were set up on this one. How else would that woman’s panties end up in the glove compartment of your car? She wanted you to get caught. Besides that, if you clutter up your glove compartment with assorted women’s panties, where will you keep your gloves? But this one leads us to my next point…
2. Don’t use the family car to ride your tart around in.
First of all, why would you want to ride your h--, excuse me, that woman of questionable virtue around in the same car your wife and children use? That’s just foul. And there are some sanitary questions that arise, too.
I know your old-school Volvo station wagon ain’t sexy, but the family minivan is only a step up, even if it is brand new.
3. If you are doing wrong, and you know you are doing wrong, keep a low profile.
I know you’re still curious as to just who told on you when you took your woman on the side and her loud behind, bad behind kids to the county fair, so I’ll give you a clue. It’s the county fair! Anyone in this county and any other county within driving distance is a likely suspect.
4. Don’t leave a paper trail.
You may have been able to explain away the restaurant charges on the credit card statement, but there is no way you can explain the check to the utility company to keep your girl’s lights on. I’m beginning to think you want to get caught! And if you are such a baller that you can afford to pay other folks' bills, I got some you can take on.
5. Don’t leave a written record.
What's with you guys having to express yourself in writing? You're cheating! You don't want any evidence that can be used against you later.
Don’t send any incriminating notes of affection or long sappy love letters via e-mail, text, twitter, or carrier pigeon. Don’t you know that stuff is stored electronically somewhere, and invariably it will come back to bite you at the least convenient time? That goes for written correspondence as well.
6. If you are going to cheat, cheat up.
Your wife is absolutely beautiful. I can’t figure out why you would want to tip out on her anyway. But if I seemed just a little distracted when I saw you and your lady friend at The Landing, that’s because I was. With those braids, she looked like one of those creatures from the movie Predator. And in case she was one of those creatures, I was trying to remember what they did in the movie to defeat them in case it was left to me to save the world.
7. Just do the right thing.
Each time you get caught, not only are you risking losing your family. You are risking losing their respect as well. Your wife told my wife that the only reason she keeps allowing you to return anyway is the children. But how much longer will that hold true?
Not only that, the next time you come over here boo-hoo crying, it may be because she decided to turn the tables and tip out on you. Can your fragile little ego handle that?
And with that, I leave you with Johnny Taylor’s Whose Making Love to Your Old Lady(While You Are Out Making Love)?