Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Another Baby Daddy Dilemma

It is perhaps an age old story—good girl falls for the wrong guy.

As I sat in a colleague’s office, one of our other colleagues came in all in a huff needing to discuss her “man” problems. Well, that’s what she called her problems anyway. I think the problem is one with her.

Just a little background. This is a very beautiful, very well put together, very intelligent college educated women who somehow got hooked up with one of the most deplorable, sorry excuses for a man she could find. For the last seven years or so, he has been in and out her life, causing absolute havoc.

Well, she finally found someone who treats her very well, and they seemed to be making a go of it. But then, “Heeeee’s back!” Here comes Mr. Nobody bringing with him his own brand of foolishness, and suddenly her new man is not so wonderful anymore.

As my two colleagues talked, I sat and just listened. Since they did not invite me into the conversation, I opted to remain silent. But here’s what I would have told her had she asked, listed by the points she brought up.

The thing that won’t go away.

Okay, so he’s your baby’s daddy. But he is a daddy in name only. He doesn’t provide any support, financial or otherwise, and he doesn’t spend any time with his child. When is the last time he has even seen her?

He has cheated on you, stolen from you, and abused you both physically and mentally.

And every so often, he shows back up just as you’ve gotten you life back on track after his last visit and are doing well, and then suddenly your life is in shambles again. Face it. This guy is a blackhead on the behind of humanity.

Do yourself a favor. Cut all ties to this guy if you are really and truly serious about being happy and building a better life for you and your daughter. He is contributing nothing because he has nothing to contribute. Like the old saying goes, “You can do bad all by yourself.”

But my new man is so boring!

Just listen to yourself. First you complain about all the drama of the relationship with your baby’s daddy, then you complain about the lack thereof. Perhaps you are addicted to drama. Perhaps abject foolishness turns you on.

So he spends a lot of time reading and studying. Is that such a bad thing? He’s a law student! He has to read and study. So he isn’t excitable and doesn’t lose his temper. I don’t get this one. He doesn’t ever lose his temper? What’s so bad about that?

And what’s so bad about him always wanting to talk about the relationship and his feelings? Would you prefer that he goes upside your head in a drunken, drug-induced rage?

I would think that at this point you would welcome this lack of drama, especially since your daughter is getting older.

And he doesn’t put it down in bed like my baby’s daddy.

Well, perhaps, he just doesn’t get as much practice as your baby’s daddy does. When you have no job and nothing to do all day, you have more than enough time to perfect your sex game. And what about that little gift he left the last time he cruised on through; you know you’ll never get rid of that, but according to the commercial, it can be controlled if you take that medication properly.

I do know, however, how important sex is to any relationship, but in the same instance, a relationship cannot be based on sex alone. It seems that if this relationship is important to you, you’ll try to work that thang out. Buy some self help books. Invest in some how to videos. I see these things are Barnes and Nobles all the time. Try Amazon. I don’t know, try that Tantric stuff. I’ve heard people say good things about it.

Girl, he ain’t bringing home enough money.

Well, you baby’s daddy ain’t had a job since you’ve known him. You’ve been supporting him for years. Did it make a difference how much he was making then?

Plus, you are being too short-sighted. You are thinking in the now, but have you thought about the future? This man, your new man, is a stellar student at one of the best law schools in the country. Yeah, he might be short of cash now, but in the near future, he’s going to be clocking the major figures. I’ve seen the recruitment letters he’s received.

Be there for him now, and he will be there for you and your daughter later.

But everybody says that he is so ugly.

Who are these everybodys? Do you think he’s ugly” Was he ugly when he stepped to you, and you gave him the digits? Was he that ugly when you invited him home the first time?

I guarantee you, without a shadow of a doubt, some of those everybodys calling him ugly, will be all over him like a cheap suit the minute you let him go. Think for yourself!

But I saw it in your eyes. You are looking for any excuse to go back to your no good baby’s daddy. But that’s all right. It’s your life. I thought I’d just weigh in because I’m so tired of hearing you complain about the things your baby’s daddy does. But keep in mind; people will take you only as far as you let them.

You’ve got a good man now, and I’m not saying this simply because he’s frat. Take time to let this relationship run its course. If it works, wonderful; if it does not, move on. But by all means, it’s time to use your head and begin making better decisions.
Do you know someone in a similar predicament? What advice would you give them?


Issa Rae said...

"Well, perhaps, he just doesn’t get as much practice as your baby’s daddy does." HA! Soooo true!

I'm sending this to my friend, who is always a ivy-league educated, super intelligent, law-school bound black woman who is focusing her time and efforts on a two-timer who has made it clear that he is NOT going to remain faithful to her. Yet she STILL pursues him and huffs and puffs over him and exerts SO much energy into their non-existent relationship. When she finally DOES meet someone who is ANTI-him, and completely right for her, she makes those EXACT same complaints.

I hope this isn't a trend for college-educated black women. I can understand the bad boy appeal, but I'd like to think we grow out of it after high school.

Bougie Applebum said...

You hit it on the nail - If she's really serious about building a better life and being happy. Seriously, it sounds like she has the book sense but falls dramatically short of common sense.

And I am so tired of women using "good sex" as a means to stay with someone trifling. Let's be real, sex isn't everything. And if the stick ain't made of gold then you can find another.

I never was down with the 'bad boy' appeal so I guess I can't really understand why someone gets so caught up behind it. Yes, everyone plays the fool sometime. But there comes a time when you need to wake up and grow up. If she doesn't want this law student, who seems to be decent, intelligent and on the right track - then send him to Texas. I know more than a few women who will happily entertain him.

Max Reddick said...

@ Issa Rae

It is easy to be a good lover if you have nothing on your mind but making love. But when you have the added pressure of paying bills and meeting deadlines and trying to get out of school, your mind may be a bit occupied.

@ BA

I've heard this same story over and over again from women who should know better. Someone needs to start thinking these things through.

LACoincidental said...

Meh, this doesn't shock me, just confirms what I've said all along --

(too) Many educated Black women would take a 50 Cents over an Obama any day. Forget that the 50 cheats, never has a steady job (forget career), has sired a small battalion in your neighborhood and has probably committed every felony short of murder and kidnapping. But, as MC Lyte said -- gotta have a "rough neck".

The Obama types aren't flashy, a little geeky and may not make you climb the walls in bed. But he's stable, cares about you and has bigger plans than just hanging on the block with his boys. He's also straight boring.

Which explains why a lot of educated Black men are with non-Black women, sisters weren't giving him the time of day because he's 'dull' and 'probably on the DL'. This woman needs an intervention.

KST said...

@BA Forget Texas - FedEx him to Ohio.

@Max "Baby Daddy" ugh. I hate that term, but I'll move it along...
This story is too common, and I cannot for the life of me understand it. The father of this woman's child sounds almost exactly like mine (except for that whole good in bed part).
It took a short period of time to realize we were not compatible, a longer period of time to try to break it off (during which time I conceived yeah, I know) and even longer to have him removed from my life.

I would NEVER go back to him. This guy seems great and it sounds like this young woman is going to throw him away. For what? A one way ticket to the welfare line with a gaggle of non-supported children behind her?

Please say something to her or the person she was talking to. Her child deserves better, and so does she.

Sauce said...

Well, perhaps, he just doesn’t get as much practice as your baby’s daddy does. When you have no job and nothing to do all day, you have more than enough time to perfect your sex game. And what about that little gift he left the last time he cruised on through; you know you’ll never get rid of that, but according to the commercial, it can be controlled if you take that medication properly.


Kinfolk, glad you dropped by!!

Max Reddick said...


I think everyone she knows has said something. At this point, she just needs to begin thinking for herself.

@ Sauce

Glad you liked it!

kenn. said...

I know this scenario FAR too well (sigh)

Your advice is what I would've (and have) offered.

Max Reddick said...

Yeah, it's a shame how familiar this particular scenario is. I can't tell you have many emails I got, or how many people asked me if I was talking about so and so, or even if I was talking about them!

Bougie Applebum said...

So when did the black woman start lowering her standards and/or running for the trifling type of guy? Could it have been with the onset of MC Lyte barking about a roughneck? I know all women aren't willing to settle. But as it was said before - far too many are willing. And that's a problem.

@ KST - LMAO --> (except for that whole good in bed part)

LACoincidental said...

@ Bougie: I don't think the concept started with MC Lyte, women have always loved bad boys. Heck, I've got 2 or 3 aunts who have made some serious bad choices in terms of husbands. I think, however, that she gave it voice for the hip hop generation. But we do agree - far too many sisters aren't telling brothers to step their game up.

But lets not get carried away, which this sister also doing. She's knocking the 'good' guy for not being 'good' enough. As a man, I see this too often as well, a lot of sisters demand that the 'good' brothers come pre-packaged as some sort of Negro Bruce Wayne. She complaining about a brother completing law school, demanding that he be a county judge!

You can't have it both ways -- demand that the brother striving to do better arrive at your doorstep with a 6 figure salary, boxer's physique and summer home in Sag Harbor, while letting 'Pretty Rick' run your house and he doesn't even have a checking account or a current W-2.

KST said...

@ Max - I guess you are right about her needing to think for herself. Honestly, most women (when they are right with themselves) know they deserve a good man. If domestic violence is involved - she has other issues going on if she still wants him in her life.

@BA - I'm not kidding. Ohio is really lacking right now in the GB department. Or maybe I just need to get a babysitter so I can actually go out.

@LA "Pretty Rick" rotflmao!

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