Saturday, October 31, 2009

Yes, Another Snake Tale

I did not want to do another snake post; I have already visited and revisited that subject before. However, this time my hand has been forced. The other day we happened to step outside only to find another snake in the flowerbed next to the front door—a lot of snakes both literal and metaphorical have been showing up at my door lately—and I immediately sprung into action.

I did mention the incident to a few friends, but not because I wanted to brag on my snake killing prowess; I only mentioned it because I thought it was unusual to see a snake this late in the season. Usually by now they are off hibernating. But then my wife began telling her skewed version of the story to her friends and relatives and all over Facebook, and I thought I had better step in to reclaim my narrative.

It all began on this past Wednesday evening. There was nothing unusual about this Wednesday evening. I did get home from work a bit early. Anyway, my wife and I decided to go to the store to look at something she wanted me to see. But as we were stepping out the front door she looked down and suddenly said, “Is that a snake?”

I glanced down only to find a garter snake about two feet long just laying there massive black serpent of gargantuan proportions lurking, and ready to strike. Surprised, I quickly stepped back into the house wondering what to do next decisively went back into the house to retrieve my glasses from the table in the vestibule so that I might be able to clearly see the creature I was about to do battle with.

My wife said, “What are you running back into the house for?” “Only you can save us Max!” And she lead the way I lead the way as we retreated back backtracked through the house to the garage underground crime-fighting lair so that we might retrieve garden tools gargantuan sized snake killing implements. She chose a hoe crossbow, and I chose a shovel broadsword, and we returned to do battle.

Just as we stepped back outside the front door, the garter snake vile dragon like serpent seemed to sense our presence and began to crawl away hissing, reared up to its full height, prepared to take me on. I screamed ferociously yelled with valor, “He’s getting away. Get him! Get him!” “This vile creature doth seek to do battle. Stand back fair maiden, for what shall happenth next may forever haunteth thy dreams.”

At that time, my wife trapped him with her hoe, holding him to the ground shot him through with the crossbow, pinning him to the ground. She then yelled, “I’m holding him down. Just kill him with the shovel.” “He findeth himself trapped; now is the time to strike with your sword, brave lord. Be true in your aim for each swing of thy blade could be thy last!”

So I cautiously bravely stepped forward with all disregard for my safety, and took a half-hearted stab with my shovel swung my blade with all my might, and missed but my aim was not true. My wife then yelled, “Damn, Max, you got to get closer. Do you want to hold him with the hoe, and I kill him?” “Your aim was not true, my lord. You must strike again. Only you possesseth the strength to bring this creature to its end.”

So, I struck again, and the blow found its mark. But it was only a glancing blow and served only to wound the creature, and some nasty looking yellow stuff squirted out vile acid like yellow fluid did issue forth from the wound, causing me to cry out, “Oh, my God! What is that? That nasty looking stuff just got all over my new loafers!” “He hath covered me with his toxic blood, but I have been protected by my armor!”

And with that I swung again, and again, and again, each blow of my shovel sword finding its mark until the snake dragon like serpent lay dead from a thousand death blows, quivering in the throes of death. Then my wife uttered, “It’s about time. You took all that time to kill that thing. You were acting like you were scared.” “You have vanquished that foul beast sent forth from the pit of hell! And you did so with a valiance never witnessed before.”

So, this is the story, the true story, the exact narrative account. Do not believe what my wife might have told you over the phone or posted on Facebook. And let me go even further to remind you of the import of this event. Before when I have slain such creatures, it has been to protect my family. However, in this instance, had I failed in my endeavor, this creature would not have stopped with my family but would have wreaked havoc on the world; he could have shown up in your flowerbed next.

So, I am a hero, your hero. And my legend continues.


Marvalus said...

I am reading this and cracking up! You and the snakes, Max...

Of course, I would abandon my home if I found a snake, so I doth admire your valor.


Renee said...

I love your adventures in keeping your kingdom snake free. They crack me up.

msladydeborah said...

I enjoyed reading this snake tale-no pun intended.

When I was a little girl my grandmother killed a snake that crawled out of a flower bed that she was digging up. She had a hoe in her hand and she said, "Look at that snake." I was a little girl at the time and was ready to bolt but before I could move she swung the hoe and chopped off its head in one blow. I was stunned by the move and I don't remember if anything oozed out after that blow. But, after that-I had a life long healthy fear of my maternal grandmother!

rainwriter jones said...

(LOL) What a tale (tail). Now, why don't you delete the "strikeovers" so that the Missus can tell the TRUE story? (LMBAO)

macon d said...

Thanks, that was hilarious!

I had a snake right outside my door once too, a real one, but a real itty-bitty one -- about ten inches long. It was shiny blue-black, with a yellow stripe down its back. It hid under some wedged-up concrete and came out every morning, if the sun was out, all summer long. The next year it was gone. I was left bereft, hoping a cat didn't get it.

Keith said...

That was so cool. Definitely put a smile on my face. I needed something like that after the week I've had. It's been a couple of years since I've had to kill a snake.

Monica Mingo said...


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