Wanted: Press secretary for God. No references needed. We know your heart.

I realize that God is all-powerful and all-knowing. I cannot understate the importance of these attributes for any supreme being. And I do recognize and acknowledge my whole insignificance in the grand scheme of things. However, I would just like to drop a quick suggestion in the celestial suggestion box.

It is my suggestion that God gain the employ of a good spokesman or press secretary because the things being said and done in Her or His name are getting more and more outlandish. It seems that when those purporting to be God’s folk step in front of a microphone in front of a camera, the mainline connection to the throne room gets a little fuzzy, and they say anything that comes to their heads.

Of course, people with good, common sense recognize the absolute absurdity of these words and deeds, but the present reality is that common sense is not so common anymore. But let’s catalogue just a few of the words and deeds I’m speaking of.

No one could possibly forget when shortly following the earthquake that practically leveled Haiti, Pat Robertson proclaimed Haiti’s misfortune to be caused by a centuries old “pact with the devil” made by Haiti’s founders. This would be a shocking, repugnant statement no matter whose mouth it originated from, but coming from Pat Robertson it was that much more atrocious.

Pat Robertson is supposed to be tight with God. After all, among other things he is the founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN), host of the influential Christian broadcast The 700 Club, and a leading spokesmen for Christian conservatism.

But how is Robertson privy to this information? How does he know about the pact? Perhaps, the devil told him first hand over lunch or while golfing, but he should have known not to believe the devil. He knows how the devil lies.

And do you remember last month when South Carolina Lt. Governor Andre Bauer compared people on public assistance to stray animals? He stated that the government should stop providing assistance to these people for the simple fact that if you continue feeding them, they will breed. After hearing his remarks, it suddenly became plain to me why the state congress is reluctant to get rid of Governor Mark Sanford; this clown would then take over.

However, I was still shaking my head at these and Pat Robertson’s remarks when Virginia State delegate Bob Marshall stood up on this past Thursday and stated unequivocally and unapologetically that disabled children are God’s punishment to women who aborted their first pregnancy.

This statement alone is cringe inducing, but of course he went on to reference Old Testament Biblical teaching to qualify his remarks: "In the Old Testament, the first born of every being, animal and man, was dedicated to the Lord. There’s a special punishment Christians would suggest.

Now, I’m no fan of abortion [You can read my views of abortion here.], but suddenly I wondered if there was anything like a late-life abortion or a retroactive abortion available to rid us of idiots like this. And he made these remarks in his capacity as a representative of the state of Virginia and of God; in doing so, he poorly represented both.

I’m just so sick and tired of the excessive and obsessive moralizing. And you know it all has nothing at all to do with God; it is all political. However, politicians have realized what many hustlers and other species of chiselers have known for quite some while; you can get any number of people to believe anything, no mater how outrageous or preposterous, if you just invoke the name of God.

So, God, I have been trying to expose these charlatans with all my strength, but no one seems to be listening to me. It just might be time to bring in a professional.