Okay, today is my birthday. The word must have somehow gotten out because I’ve gotten mad birthday wishes, and it’s very humbling. Thanks everyone!But anyway, today I’m walking around fall-down tired with my eyes all bloodshot red. However, I ain’t been partying, birthday or not. Instead, this past week I’ve not been sleeping. Now, I’ve been given to bouts of insomnia all my life.
In fact, I have been discussing my inability to sleep at night with a good friend of mine who has suggested a number of absolutely crazy remedies. But no matter how crazy the remedies, the insane thing is that I’ve tried them all but to no avail.
Yet, this week it has not been insomnia that has been keeping me up. It has been curling. I’ve been watching the Winter Olympics curling matches. Yes, curling. Curling seems to be my newest obsession. Oh, what is curling you say? Don’t feel bad. I barely knew what curling was when I started watching it. And I barely know now.
However, curling appears to be popular sport in some regions, most specifically Canada. And I can’t really figure out why it’s popular or why it’s even called a sport. This is how it all goes down. First of all curling is like shuffleboard except it’s played on ice. Just imagine an iced over shuffleboard court with a big bull’s-eye at one end.
Anyway, the curling match begins when this old dude who is usually several pounds overweight and seemingly out of shape crouches down close to the ice in this crouching tiger, hidden milk-cow pose with this heavy looking metal disc called a stone or rock out in front of him. Then somewhat he mysteriously begins to glide across the ice with the stone or rock, and after going a few feet, he lets it go.
Well, about this time, being crouched down in this unnatural post must begin to hurt him, because he then begins to yell, “ARGGGH! ARGGGH! ARGGGH!” Then his friends run out onto the ice with these nifty little brooms, but instead of them running to help him up, they begin sweeping the ice really vigorously in front of the stone or rock and yelling “ARGGGH! ARGGGH! ARGGGH!” too, but I can’t figure out what’s hurting them. Maybe they are yelling in sympathy for the other guy.
And I am not sure what they are even sweeping the ice for. As many times as they sweep it during a match, that has to be the cleanest patch of ice in the world. You could practically eat off that ice.
As they follow the rock or stone down the court sweeping like madmen, all the while the announcer is trying to make this foolishness sound exciting. He’s whispering into the mike like it’s a golf match or something, and he might somehow disturb the participants: “What an excellent shot. The stone is on its way down the course. He’s perhaps the only one in the world who could make this shot..” The camera then pans the audience and all five or six of the people in attendance yawn in appreciation.
If you still cannot get a visual, then perhaps this short video clip will help:
But what I cannot figure out is why I’m so obsessed with curling all of a sudden? I think maybe the networks are sending some kind of subliminal messages in their broadcasts are something. Or maybe the CIA has figured out someway of beaming digital crack through the airwaves just to keep brothers down like they did in the 1980’s when Reagan was president.
That would explain why I am up at three o’clock in the morning watching curling. And that would explain why I have spent so much time this last week researching curling when I should have been doing something else. And that would perhaps why I even did a Google search for a curling league in Florida. Seems like curling is not such a big deal in Florida, though.
I’m think I’m going to swear off this obsession cold turkey. It seems to be ruining my life and the Olympics are only about halfway over. But before I do, I just got to try this curling stance. Let me see if I can get down that low.
Oh my God. It hurts. It hurts! ARGGGH! ARGGGH! Somebody come help me get up out of the floor. I done got myself down here and can’t get up. ARGGGH! ARGGGH!
