The Snake that Terrorized Me and My Family Is No More

Last week I reported that a large black snake had been terrorizing my family for about the last two months or so. [Click here to view original post.] In that report, I also related my heroic attempts to protect my family from that snake. But he always managed to elude me. He was smarter than the average snake. Now I wish to report that the snake that terrorized my family no more. He is dead.

However, I did not kill him. My fourteen year old son accidently ran over him with the lawn mower.

Pretty anti-climactic, huh? All this time I have been hunting him down, and he's killed in a lawn mower accident.

I’ve been pursuing this vile reptile for weeks, and my son absentmindedly kills him. He didn’t even realize what he had done at first. He was cutting the yard, listening to his mp3 player, when he ran over something causing the mower to cut off.

I went over to assist him, and when we flipped up the lawnmower, there lay the snake’s torn, ruptured body twitching in the throes of death. And at the first glimpse of just a portion of the snake’s tail, my son took off running. Well, I ran too, but I was really running to get a hoe or a shovel in case the snake wasn’t really dead.

But now everyone is treating him like he is some kind of hero. Now my neighbors are gathered in my front yard congratulating him. One neighbor even commented that the shake was probably the same snake that had his daddy running scared all this time.

Huh? What? Just move on lady. Those opened toe sandals probably fit you at one time. But now that your monkey-like, prehensile toes are hanging over the front, it’s time to give them up and get a new pair.

And that’s probably halitosis you have. I’ve been wanting to tell you this for quite some time, lady. Your breath smells as though you’ve been eating chitterlings straight from the bucket.

And you probably think that dirty, matted wig on your head looks natural, but I peeped that hot mess a long time ago.

Now you’ve made me get all ghetto. Everybody, just get your nosy behinds out of my yard.

My wife is promising to fix all his favorite foods for dinner. He’s a vegetarian so that probably means a whole bunch of spinach or something. I was looking forward to that roast I saw thawing in the frig. Guess that’s out.

But I ain’t hating. Let him have his time to shine. But I just want you to remember those times Ifearlessly put myself between that snake and my family. Remember those times I risked my own safety protecting my family. And even as these fools over here sing his praises, be my witness that it was I who intrepidly pursued this creature without flinching.

Some people are just too lucky. Given another week, I would have gotten the snake anyway.

Gone Snake Huntin'

Your regularly scheduled Sunday morning post will not be available this morning. You see, I’ve got something I desperately need to take care of as soon as possible.

It all started right before school let out. I got a call from my children informing me that they were looking out of the window at a long black snake all curled up in the front flowerbed. According to my kids, there was a big lump in the middle of his body, so evidently he had just ate and was just chillin’ in my flowerbed, picking his teeth and trying to shake off the ‘itis before he moved on.

By the time I got home, he had slithered off to who knows where. But days later, I stepped out the door just in time to see him slithering across the walkway. I went back through the house to the garage to get a hoe so that I might chop his little head off, but again he was gone when I returned.

Over the next few weeks, there were several spottings of his comings and goings. However, we were never able to find him when we came back with the necessary killing implements. Then he got bold and overstepped his bounds.

About a week or so ago, my kids and I stepped outside and just happened to look down, right into his black beady little eyes, and there he was looking back at us. So we retreated back through the house, into the garage, and armed ourselves. I picked up my trusty hoe. My daughter picked up a good sturdy shovel, and my son grabbed the weed eater. In the heat of the moment, he picked up the very first thing he laid his hand on.

Anyway, we stepped outside to do battle, and he was still there curled up waiting on us. We all raised our weapons to strike, but then he did the unexpected. Instead of running away from us, he headed straight toward us. And I was all ready to strike. I was psyched. But when my kids screamed, dropped their tools, and ran back into the house, I lost my concentration and did the same. I got caught up in the emotion of the moment. I’m sure you understand.

Then the ultimate happened. The snake upped the ante even more. I went outside today to turn the sprinkler on and stepped on something squishy. I looked down to see what it was, and it was the snake! My sworn enemy! My nememis!

Moments later my wife frantically threw open the front door and asked me if I had heard a woman scream.

“No,” I informed her, “Everything is okay. That was just me.”

Damn that snake. Now he has made me look soft in front of my woman. It’s on now. I’ll not rest until his black behind is gone!

Does anyone have any idea how to get rid of snakes?