Sunday, July 19, 2009

Gone Snake Huntin'

Your regularly scheduled Sunday morning post will not be available this morning. You see, I’ve got something I desperately need to take care of as soon as possible.

It all started right before school let out. I got a call from my children informing me that they were looking out of the window at a long black snake all curled up in the front flowerbed. According to my kids, there was a big lump in the middle of his body, so evidently he had just ate and was just chillin’ in my flowerbed, picking his teeth and trying to shake off the ‘itis before he moved on.

By the time I got home, he had slithered off to who knows where. But days later, I stepped out the door just in time to see him slithering across the walkway. I went back through the house to the garage to get a hoe so that I might chop his little head off, but again he was gone when I returned.

Over the next few weeks, there were several spottings of his comings and goings. However, we were never able to find him when we came back with the necessary killing implements. Then he got bold and overstepped his bounds.

About a week or so ago, my kids and I stepped outside and just happened to look down, right into his black beady little eyes, and there he was looking back at us. So we retreated back through the house, into the garage, and armed ourselves. I picked up my trusty hoe. My daughter picked up a good sturdy shovel, and my son grabbed the weed eater. In the heat of the moment, he picked up the very first thing he laid his hand on.

Anyway, we stepped outside to do battle, and he was still there curled up waiting on us. We all raised our weapons to strike, but then he did the unexpected. Instead of running away from us, he headed straight toward us. And I was all ready to strike. I was psyched. But when my kids screamed, dropped their tools, and ran back into the house, I lost my concentration and did the same. I got caught up in the emotion of the moment. I’m sure you understand.

Then the ultimate happened. The snake upped the ante even more. I went outside today to turn the sprinkler on and stepped on something squishy. I looked down to see what it was, and it was the snake! My sworn enemy! My nememis!

Moments later my wife frantically threw open the front door and asked me if I had heard a woman scream.

“No,” I informed her, “Everything is okay. That was just me.”

Damn that snake. Now he has made me look soft in front of my woman. It’s on now. I’ll not rest until his black behind is gone!

Does anyone have any idea how to get rid of snakes?


Kim said...

Okay I would have to
But you know the old tale is to leave a bowl of milk out for the snake and it makes them drowsy(don't think it needs to be warm).. don't know if it's true though.

msladyDeborah said...

Do you have Animal Control where you live? That would be my first choice. Especially if the snake is acting aggressive. It could be a species that could cause you serious pain.

Max Reddick said...

@ Kim

I would try that, but I'm afraid the cats in my neighborhood would enjoy it before he ever got a sip.

@ msladydeborah

I don't think it is poisoness. It looks like a rat snake or a water snake. I think it charged us that day because we had it cornered.

Someone told me to sprinkle some moth balls in the flower bed. I'm going to try that.

Anonymous said...

Ok, let's see... a black snake staking out your house. And its not afraid of you.

Hmm, I would call on the blood of Jesus. No lie.

LOL. This post was soo funny.

You better catch that thing before it starts having babies or finds it way into your house. ughh.

Maybe you could throw out a piece of beef. See if it eats it, then kill it while its resting.

Good luck. Let us know how things turn out.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you have a slimy snake to tend with. Gross. The post was entertaining though. Especially the part when you wife asked if you heard a woman scream. That was priceless. Did you ever admit to being that woman?

Jonca said...

When I was in college in Memphis, we used to clean vacant lots but would throw out moth balls first to get rid of snakes. They don't like moth balls.

Max Reddick said...

That's what I'm worried about, the snake getting in the house of having babies and then I'll have a whole army of snakes to contend with.

And Courtney, I grew up in Memphis in the Orange Mound/Bethel Grove area. What area did you grow up in?

Marvalus said...

I have to admit I laughed out loud at this story...

Seriously though, if I find a snake anywhere near my home, I'm out until someone comes and gets him. And guarantees me that he didn't leave any kin behind.


Renee said...

I will tell you quite honesty that there would be a for sale sign on my lawn immediately. Snakes scare me witless. I gotta say you made me laugh with the whole scream like a woman routine.

Invisible Woman said...

OMG, hilarious! That is one bad ass mf'n snake, lol!

kenn. said...

Thank you for the morning laugh. At least you're honest LOL I'm not sure that my scream would have been any less falsetto.

RainaHavock said...

Please don't remind me of snakes! I live in Florida which is starting to become Python Country and it's already Rattlesnake heaven. I HATE SNAKES!!!

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