Gone Snake Huntin'

Your regularly scheduled Sunday morning post will not be available this morning. You see, I’ve got something I desperately need to take care of as soon as possible.

It all started right before school let out. I got a call from my children informing me that they were looking out of the window at a long black snake all curled up in the front flowerbed. According to my kids, there was a big lump in the middle of his body, so evidently he had just ate and was just chillin’ in my flowerbed, picking his teeth and trying to shake off the ‘itis before he moved on.

By the time I got home, he had slithered off to who knows where. But days later, I stepped out the door just in time to see him slithering across the walkway. I went back through the house to the garage to get a hoe so that I might chop his little head off, but again he was gone when I returned.

Over the next few weeks, there were several spottings of his comings and goings. However, we were never able to find him when we came back with the necessary killing implements. Then he got bold and overstepped his bounds.

About a week or so ago, my kids and I stepped outside and just happened to look down, right into his black beady little eyes, and there he was looking back at us. So we retreated back through the house, into the garage, and armed ourselves. I picked up my trusty hoe. My daughter picked up a good sturdy shovel, and my son grabbed the weed eater. In the heat of the moment, he picked up the very first thing he laid his hand on.

Anyway, we stepped outside to do battle, and he was still there curled up waiting on us. We all raised our weapons to strike, but then he did the unexpected. Instead of running away from us, he headed straight toward us. And I was all ready to strike. I was psyched. But when my kids screamed, dropped their tools, and ran back into the house, I lost my concentration and did the same. I got caught up in the emotion of the moment. I’m sure you understand.

Then the ultimate happened. The snake upped the ante even more. I went outside today to turn the sprinkler on and stepped on something squishy. I looked down to see what it was, and it was the snake! My sworn enemy! My nememis!

Moments later my wife frantically threw open the front door and asked me if I had heard a woman scream.

“No,” I informed her, “Everything is okay. That was just me.”

Damn that snake. Now he has made me look soft in front of my woman. It’s on now. I’ll not rest until his black behind is gone!

Does anyone have any idea how to get rid of snakes?