Thursday, July 9, 2009

To the gentleman who utilized the faculty facilities across from my office:

To the gentleman who utilized the faculty facilities across the hall from my office in the T building:

Sir, I do understand that the restrooms were put here for our convenience, but there are just some things you really should just take home with you. And what just transpired in that restroom sitting across the hall across from my office is one of them.

Anytime an odor can travel out of a stall, across the entire expanse of the lavatory, out into and across the hall, and into my office, you have something very serious going on indeed. To put another human being through what I am going through right at this very moment is absolutely inconsiderate.

And if my memory serves me correctly, you once informed me that you are a vegetarian; however, I have never encountered any vegetable that could produce an odor like that even after having traveled through the human digestive system. And I even performed a comprehensive Google search so that I might be absolutely positive.

In addition, sir, since there are so very few of us here in the summer, and my office sits just across the hall from the faculty facilities, everyone who passes through the hall suddenly gets this look of horror and utter disbelief on their face, and then look in at me as I am sitting in my office desperately trying to get some work done, and frown at me in disgust. People actually think that I am the source of this foul stench!

Of course, I have entertained the thought of simply closing my door; however, that horrid miasma has seemingly permeated every corner of my office. And I am afraid that if I seal myself in here with it, it will settle into the fabric of my clothing, and I’ll be forced to endure that smell even after I leave.

Within the last few minutes, I have pondered the causality of your dilemma, and determined that there are two distinct possibilities—either you are gravely ill or you are a zombie of some kind.

Of the two, the latter is perhaps the most plausible. That would explain the underworld-ly smell. And now that I think of it, I can detect slight but distinct traces of fire and brimstone. Perhaps I will contact someone from the science department to see if they might be able to do a test for chemical composition.

But if it is not the latter and we must consider the former, then I fear you are ill and gravely so, and you should seek the immediate care of a physician so that you might receive the requisite diagnosis and treatment. There is no way a human being could remain living much longer when their insides smell like that.

But I harbor no hard feelings. Things like this do happen sometimes. And most importantly, I am deeply concerned about your well-being. However, in the future, I would ask that you just show a bit more consideration.

Prof. Maxwell Reddick


Orchid said...

you know, it is in posts with subjects like these that make me wish the post would tell instead of show. I swear as I was reading this, I saw myself sitting in the office with you enduring that ghastly stench lol. That is so foul! I'm sorry you have to endure that! I propose you attach him with febreeze to get your point across lol!

RainaHavock said...

Hey atleast you weren't my situation. My dorm room was right across the hall from the bathroom which the whole floor shared and I lived there from August 08 till May 09. You talking about me being in hell?!

Anonymous said...

LOL!! You poor thing. I sympathize with you and there is nothing more disgusting the smelling someones inward reasonings. Ugh. The tales they tell. He's been sneaking meat! lol

Mocha Dad said...

Man, I do not envy you. Print out this post and place it on the bulletin board so he can see it.

Orchid said...

*attack* for the love of gosh!

blackink said...

Lol. Did he at least wash his hands on the way out? I hate when people don't do that.

As for vegetables that could contribute to that sort of odor, even after having traveled through the digestive system, how about greens or cabbage? Maybe corn?

Citizen Ojo said...

That's why you can't eat soul food for lunch...

Anonymous said...

Spinach... spinach... spinach.

When eaten in excess, watch out. You'll have to hold your own breath just to use the bathroom.

What if you leave a can of airfreshner on the sink, do you think people would use it?

KST said...

^We have this hellacious automatic (read waaay too strong)air-freshner spray thingy at work. Maybe you can request one of those.

And please, NSFW warning next time. The laughter was distracting to my co-workers! : )

Invisible Woman said...


uglyblackjohn said...

Why a brotha' gotta' be stuck by the restroom?
Maybe you need to get a new office.

(If that's the restroom in your building... I gotta see the rest of the place,)

Anonymous said...

Melissa told me what you did Max. You win. Its unlikely that you were hard at work and if people were looking at you in disgust it is because you have a bad rep for leaving the bathroom in that condition. Pretty funny though.

Anonymous said...

First off let me just say that is one swanky bathroom. Second I am happy to see the paint has not melted off the walls. Lastly, so sorry your nose hairs were singed with that odorifous funk. If that is the way he smells being a vegetarian, just tell him to STOP IT.


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