The Snake that Terrorized Me and My Family Is No More

Last week I reported that a large black snake had been terrorizing my family for about the last two months or so. [Click here to view original post.] In that report, I also related my heroic attempts to protect my family from that snake. But he always managed to elude me. He was smarter than the average snake. Now I wish to report that the snake that terrorized my family no more. He is dead.

However, I did not kill him. My fourteen year old son accidently ran over him with the lawn mower.

Pretty anti-climactic, huh? All this time I have been hunting him down, and he's killed in a lawn mower accident.

I’ve been pursuing this vile reptile for weeks, and my son absentmindedly kills him. He didn’t even realize what he had done at first. He was cutting the yard, listening to his mp3 player, when he ran over something causing the mower to cut off.

I went over to assist him, and when we flipped up the lawnmower, there lay the snake’s torn, ruptured body twitching in the throes of death. And at the first glimpse of just a portion of the snake’s tail, my son took off running. Well, I ran too, but I was really running to get a hoe or a shovel in case the snake wasn’t really dead.

But now everyone is treating him like he is some kind of hero. Now my neighbors are gathered in my front yard congratulating him. One neighbor even commented that the shake was probably the same snake that had his daddy running scared all this time.

Huh? What? Just move on lady. Those opened toe sandals probably fit you at one time. But now that your monkey-like, prehensile toes are hanging over the front, it’s time to give them up and get a new pair.

And that’s probably halitosis you have. I’ve been wanting to tell you this for quite some time, lady. Your breath smells as though you’ve been eating chitterlings straight from the bucket.

And you probably think that dirty, matted wig on your head looks natural, but I peeped that hot mess a long time ago.

Now you’ve made me get all ghetto. Everybody, just get your nosy behinds out of my yard.

My wife is promising to fix all his favorite foods for dinner. He’s a vegetarian so that probably means a whole bunch of spinach or something. I was looking forward to that roast I saw thawing in the frig. Guess that’s out.

But I ain’t hating. Let him have his time to shine. But I just want you to remember those times Ifearlessly put myself between that snake and my family. Remember those times I risked my own safety protecting my family. And even as these fools over here sing his praises, be my witness that it was I who intrepidly pursued this creature without flinching.

Some people are just too lucky. Given another week, I would have gotten the snake anyway.