Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Snake that Terrorized Me and My Family Is No More

Last week I reported that a large black snake had been terrorizing my family for about the last two months or so. [Click here to view original post.] In that report, I also related my heroic attempts to protect my family from that snake. But he always managed to elude me. He was smarter than the average snake. Now I wish to report that the snake that terrorized my family no more. He is dead.

However, I did not kill him. My fourteen year old son accidently ran over him with the lawn mower.

Pretty anti-climactic, huh? All this time I have been hunting him down, and he's killed in a lawn mower accident.

I’ve been pursuing this vile reptile for weeks, and my son absentmindedly kills him. He didn’t even realize what he had done at first. He was cutting the yard, listening to his mp3 player, when he ran over something causing the mower to cut off.

I went over to assist him, and when we flipped up the lawnmower, there lay the snake’s torn, ruptured body twitching in the throes of death. And at the first glimpse of just a portion of the snake’s tail, my son took off running. Well, I ran too, but I was really running to get a hoe or a shovel in case the snake wasn’t really dead.

But now everyone is treating him like he is some kind of hero. Now my neighbors are gathered in my front yard congratulating him. One neighbor even commented that the shake was probably the same snake that had his daddy running scared all this time.

Huh? What? Just move on lady. Those opened toe sandals probably fit you at one time. But now that your monkey-like, prehensile toes are hanging over the front, it’s time to give them up and get a new pair.

And that’s probably halitosis you have. I’ve been wanting to tell you this for quite some time, lady. Your breath smells as though you’ve been eating chitterlings straight from the bucket.

And you probably think that dirty, matted wig on your head looks natural, but I peeped that hot mess a long time ago.

Now you’ve made me get all ghetto. Everybody, just get your nosy behinds out of my yard.

My wife is promising to fix all his favorite foods for dinner. He’s a vegetarian so that probably means a whole bunch of spinach or something. I was looking forward to that roast I saw thawing in the frig. Guess that’s out.

But I ain’t hating. Let him have his time to shine. But I just want you to remember those times Ifearlessly put myself between that snake and my family. Remember those times I risked my own safety protecting my family. And even as these fools over here sing his praises, be my witness that it was I who intrepidly pursued this creature without flinching.

Some people are just too lucky. Given another week, I would have gotten the snake anyway.

12 comments:

Tower Farm said...

"But now everyone is treating him like he is some kind of hero. Now my neighbors are gathered in my front yard congratulating him." That is really funny.

JM

RainaHavock said...

HAHA!! LMAO! XD

A. Spence said...

So what you're saying is your son is a Super Hero who doesn't know his own strength. He was able to prevail where mere mortals failed...AMAZING!!!

LOL

Toya said...

LOL!!!! That is too funny. Awww let him have his David and Goliath moment lol.

uglyblackjohn said...

Once as a kid - I was in the country and was trying to jump over a snake when I landed on it's head.
As I turned to run - I accidentaly crushed it's head.
My cousins were amazed at a suburban boy who could think fast enough to know to take a snake out by crushing a snake in the same manner that was used to pop those ketchup packs in the parking lots of fastfood restaraunts.
To this day, I still get credit as the "Snake Killer".

In your case;
Son+Lawn Mower > Snake.

Bougie Applebum said...

See Max - what happened was...being the real warrior that you are, you essentially brought that snake down. You broke it. throughout your several weeks of hunting (I'm not laughing - I'm not chuckling) you dipped into that snake's mind man... got into its brain man... and when your son rolled up with the lawnmower and killed it with one swift move (for real, I'm not laughing), the snake was too weak to fight. And it was all because of you. Now that's real talk brotha. lol

But for real - the size of that snake... what tha he!!?! lol

Anonymous said...

Yay you killed the snake.

SIMONE

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry your son killed the snake, but I am sure your son appreciated the support.

SIMONE

md20737 said...

"But now everyone is treating him like he is some kind of hero. Now my neighbors are gathered in my front yard congratulating him. One neighbor even commented that the shake was probably the same snake that had his daddy running scared all this time."

"And that’s probably halitosis you have. I’ve been wanting to tell you this for quite some time, lady. Your breath smells as though you’ve been eating chitterlings straight from the bucket."

Are you sure your not hating? hahahahaha! I was trying to catch up on relationship week but ran into this story first glad I did. Let him enjoy all the spinach he wants he deserves lol I mean after all he is a hero!

msladydeborah said...

I was wondering what happened.

The Hand of Fate is fickle. It was just your son's moment to shine!

Personally, I wouldn't care how the snake died-as long as it did just that-died.

BTW, Are you going to take him to Disneyland now? :-)

Keith said...

Hey Max. Wow! Such a hilarious post. That's about my luck. I'll be trying to accomplish something for the longest time. Then someone else will come along and do it just like that. They've usually done it by accident at that. We haven't really had much problems with snakes this year, but we did last year. I killed quite a few then.

Invisible Woman said...

kinda almost sad for the bad motha...lol

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