To the little old white lady wearing a thong in front of me this morning in line at Publix:
Ma’am, you probably do not remember me, but I am the nice African American gentleman with the two polite teenagers who waited behind you in line this morning at Publix. Since that time, I have been battling an absolutely horrible mental image that, try as I might, I cannot dispel.
But let me get right to the point. There are some articles of clothing that are not meant for everyone. Thong panty drawers are among these articles of clothing. Some people just should not wear a thong. And ma’am, I really hate to say this, but you are one of those people.
First of all, my wife informs me that the primary purpose of thongs is to prevent a conspicuous panty line. But when there is a big, white, wide, whale tail exposed right above the elastic waist band of your little old lady pants, that just defeats the whole point, does it not?
And additionally, ma’am, if you are going to wear sheer, white, little old lady pants that you can see straight through with the elastic waist band, you need to fully consider the condition of your behind. The view from where I stood was not at all aesthetically pleasing. Your behind lacked substance; it was all wrinkled and pinched. And I found myself for a brief moment marveling at the fact that one could actually get liver spots on their behind. I never knew that before. Interesting.
That loud, audible gasp, then choking sound you heard was my daughter choking on her gum. And that clicking and whirring sound you heard was my son clandestinely taking pictures of your behind with his cell phone. By now your behind is in the email in-boxes of teenagers with too much time on their hands across the Southeast, and I dare say it will make the internet by noon. If you should run across it, it is labeled “Sexy Senior Citizen in a Thong.” But please don’t be flattered by the “Sexy” part; it is meant facetiously.
And please don’t think this letter is meant to ridicule you or poke fun at you in any manner. It is not. I just wanted to take the time out to inform you of this matter so you would not make the same fashion faux pas again. That’s what friends and neighbors are for. Furthermore, you should question the fealty of your family, friends, and neighbors who let you leave the house like that. They should have spoken up and said something. For them not to have done so is inexcusable.
And please, by all means, don’t think that this was motivated by race. It is not. If it had been an old black lady in front of me in line at the local grocery wearing see through pants and a thong, I would be writing the same damn letter.
But some good did come out of this. It brought me and my children closer together. We spent the morning together fasting and contemplating the state of a world in which little old white ladies run around wearing see through pants and thongs.
In the future, I would hope that you are a bit more judicious in your choice of undergarments. You might even consider a nice, well-fitting pair of granny panties. From what I understand, they are made specifically for grannies.
Maxwell R. Reddick