Friday, August 7, 2009

To the little old white lady wearing a thong in front of me this morning in line at Publix:

To the little old white lady wearing a thong in front of me this morning in line at Publix:

Ma’am, you probably do not remember me, but I am the nice African American gentleman with the two polite teenagers who waited behind you in line this morning at Publix. Since that time, I have been battling an absolutely horrible mental image that, try as I might, I cannot dispel.

But let me get right to the point. There are some articles of clothing that are not meant for everyone. Thong panty drawers are among these articles of clothing. Some people just should not wear a thong. And ma’am, I really hate to say this, but you are one of those people.

First of all, my wife informs me that the primary purpose of thongs is to prevent a conspicuous panty line. But when there is a big, white, wide, whale tail exposed right above the elastic waist band of your little old lady pants, that just defeats the whole point, does it not?

And additionally, ma’am, if you are going to wear sheer, white, little old lady pants that you can see straight through with the elastic waist band, you need to fully consider the condition of your behind. The view from where I stood was not at all aesthetically pleasing. Your behind lacked substance; it was all wrinkled and pinched. And I found myself for a brief moment marveling at the fact that one could actually get liver spots on their behind. I never knew that before. Interesting.

That loud, audible gasp, then choking sound you heard was my daughter choking on her gum. And that clicking and whirring sound you heard was my son clandestinely taking pictures of your behind with his cell phone. By now your behind is in the email in-boxes of teenagers with too much time on their hands across the Southeast, and I dare say it will make the internet by noon. If you should run across it, it is labeled “Sexy Senior Citizen in a Thong.” But please don’t be flattered by the “Sexy” part; it is meant facetiously.

And please don’t think this letter is meant to ridicule you or poke fun at you in any manner. It is not. I just wanted to take the time out to inform you of this matter so you would not make the same fashion faux pas again. That’s what friends and neighbors are for. Furthermore, you should question the fealty of your family, friends, and neighbors who let you leave the house like that. They should have spoken up and said something. For them not to have done so is inexcusable.

And please, by all means, don’t think that this was motivated by race. It is not. If it had been an old black lady in front of me in line at the local grocery wearing see through pants and a thong, I would be writing the same damn letter.

But some good did come out of this. It brought me and my children closer together. We spent the morning together fasting and contemplating the state of a world in which little old white ladies run around wearing see through pants and thongs.

In the future, I would hope that you are a bit more judicious in your choice of undergarments. You might even consider a nice, well-fitting pair of granny panties. From what I understand, they are made specifically for grannies.


Maxwell R. Reddick


rhythm said...

"thong pany drawers"?!? hilarious. great post. sorry you had to suffer for our laughter. my prayers are with you and the children.

Hue Reviews said...

So sorry for your pain....i can understand.

kissMyBlackAds said...

my my my. you survived that. you're a strong man.

Drawtist_P said...

I am so sorry you had to see that. Here, I deal with huge hippo-butt women in thongs and that is bad enough. Flat old-lady ass in a thong would cause a seizure.

Anonymous said...

LOL!!! you are too funny lol. It's amazing what people will wear in public. My deepest wish is somehow she comes across this on the internets and rethinks her whole "white party" wardrobe. This made my afternoon. Thanks for sharing.

joe said...

Sorry Max! Glad I wasn't there!
Maybe you could print this post and put it up on the Publix bulletin board... the one where people post announcements..


HI-LAR-IOUS. Reminds me of your ode to the guy who funked up the bathroom. in anycase, what did your childresn say. Hope they aren't traumatized too much...atleast it wasn't a dude!

Kim said...

CTFU... I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything or it would be all over my computer screen.. that picture!

Betsy S. Franz said...

This is hilarious. I passed it along and posted it on my sexy senior citizen blog.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh! Good to see the balance of humor. Demonstrates you are a well-rounded writer! Hope this image doesn't lead to nightmares of porky pig in a thong...LOL.

RainaHavock said...

LMAO! You poor man.

msladyDeborah said...

I learned something new just by reading this post. Who knew that you could get liver spots on your buns?

The woman in this photo needs some things. A decent meal on a regular basis would help. Also she needs to cover her behind because that is definitely pornographic from where I sit!

Somebodies Friend said...

I'm not even going to say anything about that little ole lady and her swimwear.

"thong panty drawers?" never quite heard it put that way before.

Renee said...

This post is truly all kinds of wrong. First, if you did not like what she was wearing the solution is for you to look away and not for her to change her clothing. Women spend nearly everyday of their lives being judged and disciplined for our attire and behavior.

Your commentary is also extremely ageist. Who are you to decide that at what point someone should stop feeling sexual or displaying their body to the world? I know we live in a youth oriented culture but that does not mean our senior members should shrivel up and disappear from view because we cannot handle the fact that the body changes over time.

Finally, allowing your son to take pictures of this womans behind is extremely offensive. He certainly did not have permission, much less the right to share them on the internet. By not commenting you are affirming his right to control and display power over womens bodies at will.

KST said...

^ @ Renee: Ah, finally the voice of reason. Teehee! Rotflmao. Ahem, sorry, but the comment was so strident in it's indignation...gotta poke a little fun.

That said - I understand where you're coming from. The story is funny as hell, but I see your point.

Anonymous said...

Dear whatever ur name is who posted this picture. if u were not 'attracted ' by that lady why did u even waste ur 'precious' time picturing her and writing about her. she is free to do what she want like u are right? maybe in her adolescence she hadnt had the chance to wear a thong or maybe she has mental problems or she is retarded but it is none of our buisiness. U r currently laughing at what god created wrinkles nd pinched well ur ass is gonna be the same or even worse someday!!! U maybe behind ur family's back doing something innapropriate or immature too, so plz think before u act
Yasmin I. Smith

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