Monday, August 10, 2009

Viagra May Eventually Cause Me to Go Blind and Other Realities I Live with as I Grow Older

Sorry for being missing in action this weekend. And sorry that this post is not more substantive. But I have been recuperating.

Saturday I took my family for an end of summer tubing trip down Ichetucknee Springs. And we had a marvelous time. How could we not? I cannot describe the exquisite beauty of the scenery as we floated down the springs. Besides that the water was cool and clear. So clear, in fact, that you could see to the bottom of the springs.

After a while, my children rolled off their tubes and began to frolic in the water. Perhaps caught up in the euphoria of the moment and inspired by my children, I rolled off my tube and began to frolic with them. I think that’s what got me—all the frolicking. At a certain age, one should not frolic. Frolicking is all fun and games until reality sets in for the old guy.

When we got home I took a nice hot shower and lay down for a nap. And when I awoke, I was stiff as a darn board and sore all over. Of course my children had the time of their lives picking on me. They even went so far as to suggest that the reason I was so stiff and sore was because of the tight, tiny little swim trunks I wore. But in my defense, the last time I wore those swim trunks they did fit.

That just goes to show that I am getting older, and there are a number of realities I must now face.

1. I can no longer eat spicy foods.

I absolutely love spicy foods. And it’s been a long time since I had really hot hot wings. So, when I saw the nuclear wings on the menu, I just had to have them. However, just as my wife warned me, they didn’t sit well with me. And later when they came out, oh my god. I’ll spare you the gory details, but let’s just say I dug grooves in the walls of my bathroom with my fingers.

2. I am growing hair in strange and unusual places.

I had about a twenty minute phone conversation with my dad the other day about how to get rid of nose and ear hair. I did not even realize how crazy the conversation must have sounded until I saw the blank stare on my wife’s face when the conversation ended.

3. I am slowly morphing into a facsimile of my parents.

Frequently, when I am fussing at my children, I get this sudden feeling of déjà vu, and a mental image of my father or mother fussing about the same thing and saying the same exact things comes to mind. It’s scary. Sometimes I wonder if they are somewhere peering into a crystal ball and watching the whole scene play out while laughing hysterically.

4. And speaking of parents, my parents were minor prophets.

How many times did I hear, “One day you’ll have your own children, and we’ll see what you say then.”? Children are cute and all, and they say the funniest things. That is, until they turn into teenagers. Then you just want to choke them.

5. A gym membership only works if you actually go to the gym.

Believe it or not, not too long ago I would walk through a room and I would hear whispered in some far off corner, “Gurl, Max is kinda’ fine. He must work out.” Now when I walk through that same room, I hear in some far off corner, “Gurl, Max is getting kinda’ round. He must have just given up on that whole working out thing!” Sucking one’s stomach in and sticking one’s chest out only goes so far.

6. That pretty young thing is flirting with me not because I am so devastatingly handsome and charming but because she actually thinks I am well off.

Would that same young lady even have given me the time of day when I was twenty-five and driving that third hand Cutlass Brougham with the fading paint job? Perhaps not. But oh well. I’ll just go with it. At this point, any attention is good for the ol’ ego.

7. The choice between really good sex and a really good nap is getting harder and harder to make.

Ten years ago I would not have even had to think about this one. But as I have gotten older, I have found that good naps, especially in the middle of the afternoon, are just too underrated. I think I feel one coming on right now.

8. And should that day come when I am forced to choose the former over the latter and I need a bit of assistance, there is hope. However, Viagra could ultimately cause me to go blind.

I guess it’s just an issue of priorities. Do I take that risk? Do I risk my eyesight just for the sake of pleasure? Well, I ain’t that old. Sometimes in life you just have to go for it!

As you get older, what are the changes you are noticing? How have you had to re-prioritize?

And inspired by the success of “Relationship Week,” next Monday I will begin “Men and Boys Week,” dealing with the issues men and boys must face. So, if you feel you could add to the conversation and would like to do a guest post, please drop me a line at max.reddick@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you.

12 comments:

A. Spence said...

LOL!!! A friend of mine told me that a gym membership not used is called a FAT TAX!

williedynamite said...

Max
I feel you on so many of those points.
LOL @ the hair in the weirdest places, you forgot about grey hairs.
(make friends with your nose and ear hair trimmer)

Right now with two young children (one still in diapers) I'd have the sex then a nap.

The weight is getting harder and harder to take off.

If there comes a time when I need viagra. I'm headed to mexico or canada and stocking up.

md20737 said...

7. The choice between really good sex and a really good nap is getting harder and harder to make.

That Really is a hard decesion lol

Denisha said...

LOL! I was laughing my way through this one! It's funny but then natural esp the young cute chick talking to you because she thinks you're well off.

Rhythm said...

i have to remember not to read your posts while i'm at work. hysterical.

Anonymous said...

Some ladies might disagree... but I no longer feel the need to use the 5 different brushes in my mac makeup bag ... blending eyeshadows, blending lipstick, on and on.

Heck, if I leave the house with lipstick and eyeliner, the world should be glad.

Vérité Parlant is Nordette Adams said...

This is a cool, fun, and very warming post from the Viagra cartoon to your list. Enjoyed it very much and as a woman in her 40s, probably older than you, I relate. You've done well by your children also with that excursion.

Marvalus said...

I read this in the wee hours of this morning as a migraine was gripping my head and laughed hysterically.

I read it again now as my body is recuperating and laugh hysterically...

There used to be a time when I felt that I wasn't dressed unless I had on a pair of heels and carried a matching bag...now? Pair of flip-flops and my wallet are the norm...

Keith said...

I hope you are feeling better now. I went to a concert Friday night with my brother. When I got home, I caught my big toe and almost fell. It's all sore and hurting now.

Toya said...

LOL! Leave it to you to sum this topic up so well. People are always telling me that I'm not that old and I shouldn't worry about the little changes that I see happening to me. But, I have boastfully lived without a single gray hair in my head until the last year where I have this one persistent silver hair that I continue to pluck but it springs back up more silver and more obvious each time. It now serves as a symbol that old age is eminent lol

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