If These Seven Foods Existed, I Would Reconsider Becoming a Vegetarian [Happy B-day Skeptik One]

A couple of years ago, my son and I watched a television documentary on the raising and slaughtering of animals for consumption. The program so upset him that he decided to do some follow-up research. And after watching the program and conducting his research, he vowed to never eat meat again, and thus far, he has kept that vow.

I am immensely proud of him for this. In an age when so many young people stand for absolutely nothing, he did the requisite research and decided to take a stand on something. Not only that, I took the same vow not to eat meat. But then the next morning I awoke to the smell of bacon, and my resolve just broke completely down. I guess I’m just too far into this meat game to give it up now.

However, I have noticed a number of soy-based products on the market that act as meat substitutes. For breakfast my son is able to enjoy soy-based bacon. And for lunch there are a number of soy-based cold cut products such as Tofurkey. And of course you have the old mainstay, veggie burgers, that he enjoys immensely.

And recently he has begun to enjoy a soy-based chicken nugget type product, and we have even been able to find soy-based riblets that actually don’t taste all that bad.

So, this got me thinking. There might be a chance for me to become a vegetarian after all. There are a number of dishes that I just can’t do without. And if someone found away to make a reasonable substitute for them, I would gladly get on board as a proud, card carrying vegetarian. Here is a list of suggestions:

1. Spiral Cut Honey Baked Tofam

I could not imagine a Christmas or an Easter without a spiral cut honey baked ham. I just cannot do without that sweet, succulent goodness. So, if someone could take a big hunk of ham flavored tofu, use the same glaze that is used for the regular ham, and then spiral cut it so that each portion falls off in delicious, delicate slices, I am down.

2. Ham Tofocks

I love greens, all kinds of greens. But to make a good batch of greens, you have to season them just right, and this includes the correct seasoning meat. I prefer to use nice fat ham hocks to season my greens. And so that I can continue to enjoy my greens in the style that I have become accustomed to, I need this product. No one likes bland greens.

3. Roast Suckling Topig

I don’t get this exquisite treat but once a year, the Fourth of July. And I don’t want to give it up. This one seems very simple to create. All one must do is sculpt a tofu pig, roast it all night over an open pit fire, stick an apple in its mouth, and put it in the center of the table. Umm-umm good!

4. Filet Mignon-fu

Okay, all we need to do is to get someone to locate the tenderloin of the tofu, cut the short end of the tenderloin into portions, and then wrap it with a slice of soy-based bacon. The technology to make this dish is already available.

5. Southern Fried Chicken-fu

It may be the stuff that stereotypes are made of, but I enjoy me some golden fried chicken. So, if we could shape tofu into reasonable facsimiles of chicken parts—breast-eses, thighs, wings, drumsticks—season them just right, batter them, and then fry them until they are a deep, golden brown, then we might convince even more people to become vegetarians.

6. Tofutterlings

Check the concept--vegetarian chitterlings. For as long as I can remember, I have celebrated New Year’s Day with a meal consisting of black-eyed peas (for luck), greens (for money), and pork chitterlings (just because I’m country like that), and I don’t want to break that streak.

And as our president said during the election, if America can put a man on the moon, there is no limit to what we can do. And that includes making a soy-based chitterling product. Get to work NASA.

7. Smothered Tofu Chops

I did a lot of research on this one, and discovered that there is no substitute for a good, well-cooked smothered pork chop. So for this one, we’re just going to keep the pork chop and call it by a vegetarian name to assuage any feelings of guilt one might have from actually eating meat.

And a big happy birthday goes out to TheSkeptikOne, one of my all time favorite vegetarians! She is the one who convinced me that a soy-based chitterling product is indeed possible.