Write me something sexy (My pathetic attempt at erotique noir)

Often I get requests from readers to explore a particular topic or to simply write something for them. And sometimes I take them up on it.

But recently I received a rather challenging request from a reader. She had a simple request:

“Soulbrother, please write me something sexy.”

Well, I like to experiment with a variety of genres, but I don’t think I have ever written anything sexy. Besides, “something sexy” is very broad. So, I wrote back to ask her to be more specific.

So, she explained…

I am a middle-aged professional woman living alone in the Midwest. I have been single for sometime now. I have not been able to find a suitable suitor. But don’t think I am one of those bitter single women. I keep myself busy with work and other pursuits, and I know that someone will come along shortly; I am patient, and I will not rush it. But every now and then, I need a little sexy in my life.

I have read a number of other things you have written, and I believe that you can do it. Nothing vulgar or profane though. Just something sexy. And it doesn’t have to be a long post, just so it touches upon all the major, most important points, hits all the right notes.

And don’t tell me when you are going to post it. I want it to spontaneous, to catch me completely by surprise. I probably will resist reading it at first. I probably will be tired from a long day. I usually am.

But it should slowly wear me down—draw me in, seduce me—until finally I go back to where I have bookmarked your site and reluctantly give in and read it. Your words should touch me, caress me, put me at ease. And then embrace tightly, hold me, make me forget my day, make me forget I am sleepy and think only about what comes next.

Your post should start slowly, deliberately but then slowly build to a crescendo. And as I am reading it, it should cause my heart to pound, cause me to sweat, so much so that I curse you in the morning for ruining my hair, for causing me to sweat my roots out.

It should make me gasp, breath in short, quick breaths, and clench and unclench my fists. I want to have to close my eyes tightly and bite my bottom lip. And it should cause my toes to curl so far under that my feet appear to make a fist.

I want to have to beg you to stop writing just long enough for me to catch my breath, but I will not mean it; I really want you to continue writing so that I might continue reading until you run out of words, and I have reached the very end.

And you don’t have to use big words. Big words are fine, but they don’t always do it for me. Most of all, I just need you to know how to manipulate language in such a way as to get your point across, know how to use language well enough to make me feel what you are trying to communicate and feel it very deeply.

And when I am done reading, I want to feel spent. So spent, in fact, that I sleep late the next morning and am almost late for work. I want it to stay on my mind. I want to think about for the whole of the next day; in fact, I want to be able to think of nothing else.

I want to have something to tell my girlfriends over lunch that will make them blush and giggle. And I want it to impel me to want to come back to your site again and again, day after day, waiting impatiently and hopefully for you to write me something sexy again.

Can you do this for me?

I wrote back to tell her that I would work on it.

[Anonymous, will this suffice?]