Saturday Morning GOP Nutz Watch: Fourth of July Edition

What’s up, people. I was sitting here tonight trying to think of something unique I could do each Saturday morning when it hit me. In their quest to return to relevance, the GOP and their spokespersons give me all the material I need. So each Saturday morning, I will be presenting the GOP Nutz Watch.

And I know it’s a bit sophomoric, but hey, it’s Saturday morning so let’s just have fun and go with it.

And this week in GOP Nutz Watch News:

Last week South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford dominated the news with his disappearance. His staff stated that he was off hunting, but then reporters spotting him arriving in Atlanta from a trip to Argentina. He later revealed that he had actually been visiting his Argentinean mistress, effectively ruining his political career.

But just when the furor died down, Governor Sanford once again took center stage to profess his love for his mistress, going so far as to call her his soulmate, even as he vowed to reconcile with his wife, and he then admitted to even more affairs over the course of his twenty year marriage. In Governor Sanford’s words, he “crossed the line” numerous times, whatever that means. My but don’t deez nutz get around?

As a side note, did you notice that the GOP wives have not been standing dutifully and passively by their husbands' side as they confessed their transgressions? This is very rapidly becoming a trend. Good for you GOP girls! Deez nutz go out and fool around and have you standing up their beside them looking foolish and holding the bag.

He just wouldn’t seem to shut up even as everyone agreed that it was in his best interest to do so. Even Jon Steward of The Daily Show in this hilarious clip admonished him to shut up already.

And speaking of nutz that can’t seem to stay out of plain sight, Samuel Wurzelbacher, also known as Joe the Plumber , reemerged this week to announce his participation in a Fourth of July Weekend Tea Party tour. Ol’ Joe told reporters that at one time he considered running for the governorship of Ohio, but God told him not to do so. However, sources close to God have informed me off the record that God knew nothing of Joe the Plumber or his desire to run for government office, and furthermore, He would like those hypocrites on the right to keep His name out of their mouths.

And speaking of hypocrites, deez nutz are trying to recreate the April 15^th magic that was the Tea Party Movement, but alas, there seems to be a dearth of willing teabaggers. But the show must go on.

And speaking of big nutz, ultra conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh managed to tie Michael Jackson’s death to the Obama administration. Limbaugh stated that Jackson “flourished under Reagan…languished under Clinton and Bush…and died under Obama”:

What a line of logic. Sometimes I just can’t believe what comes out of deez nutz.

But the biggest story of all in nutz news of the week was the announcement by the biggest nut of them all, Alaska Governor and former Vice President candidate Sarah Palin, that she was resigning as governor of Alaska. Her announcement in a long, convoluted speech took everyone by surprise and got everyone thinking. After all, she’s a slippery nut.

At first I thought someone had perhaps leaked the long rumored Maxwell Reddick/Sarah Palin sex tape. But that’s locked securely in the vault. So, we have to think it’s one of three other distinct possibilities:

1. She had decided to run for the senate even after she says she would not.

2. She’s preparing to run for the presidency in 2012; or

3. There is a big scandal awaiting us just around the corner.

Whichever it is, I promise to keep you posted.

And that’s your GOP Nutz Watch news for this week. And remember, I’m watching these nutz so you won’t have the discomfort of doing so yourself.

What do you think? Should I keep doing this spot or do I need to go back to the drawing board?